2005-03-02 - 9:33 p.m.

i feel so good.

i just went to my zen meditation and tonight we did some dharma talk. i am finding that i love this tradition. i go in so clenched, waiting for the shaft. waiting for the reason i won't agree. the priests keeping young girls as lovers as i found in tibetan buddhism in nepal. or the brash hypocrisies and dishonesty in catholicism. or the push, cultish nature of sgi buddhism.

in zen it seems that answers are shoveled down my throat, only inspiration to ask my own questions. i love it. it's totally individual and accepting and open and philosophical. thinking. but beyond thinking. being.

i just feel so good.

yet i have to say, i don't know how to balance. i feel such urgencies and expectations for work. and i respect people who push it and get neurotic and passionate and work 18 hours a day. so here i am, in a jello-mello, wanting to walk in the dark mist to the movie rental and get a flick, a cheeseburger and come back and snuggle up in this warm feeling. but there's the other part that pounds into me about how much i want to get done, and there's the fear that i'll be mad at myself tomorrow if i don't get "enough" done. productivity=accetability. i think it's yet another way to subtly undermine myself. because when i give to myself. give freedom and room, i actually typically *choose* to work a tad more. but out of excitement and creativity and simply being turned on. i think i've been pushing too hard. there's just so much on my plate. but i'm going to take the rest of the night off. how novel, considering it's now almost ten pm! :*)

lizard lived and died a thousand times for the love of pink floyd growing up. so i surprised her by getting tix this this weekend to the beijing modern dance troops interpritation of the wall. this should be a trip man. but i'm so broke it ain't no joke. so i was trying to win the tickets on the radio to no avail. but where there is a will, there is a way, and i apperently have a strong will. i emailed the press person and said i was a freelance writer and wanted to do a story on spec on the interpretation and send it to several publications.

two great tickets comped.

now i have to write a piece. and come up with some fictitious piece i've written and a business card to evidence my "credentials" for her files. hehe. well. not a problem. nothings too much for my reptile. i can't wait. because of her i've really been getting into the floyd. comfortably numb, are you kidding me? yes. man. yes.

also tomorrow night is our first official once monthly night cat, lizard and i are throwing and i'm doing some writing related to that.

can you believe i haven't been getting in the mix with any guys?

or girls for that matter!
haha.

the quiet winds without caos feel so cooling. it feels...nice.