2005-02-27 - 11:23 p.m.

last night i stayed at mta's in the same bed, fully clothed and we barely touched. endearing. truly. i really like being close to a guy, without engaging. it's learning for me, healing. he's not someone i want to engage in further. he's hot on fire, but also problematic entirely, so i couldn't get involved with him.

he perked up first thing this morning, let's go get coffee. we walked down the hill, grabbed some joe and sat in a pseudo park and chatted.

tonight i went to the oscar party for supersize me. which is fantastic because i really believe in the film. it was just nice to sit with a friend, watching the sow and eating free food. also my friends friend made an offer to me for some key, hard on, free promotion. i have to follow up on it while it's hot. it was a keen offer. i'd have to jump thro hoops, but it'd been cool. i just barely hav e time to follow up on the opportunities. and and i am still freeked about rent. i jsut don't have clients. it's like an exodus. and i don't know what the fuck to do. i can't take a fulltime job, unless i give up the dream, the dream that feels in action. otherwise what, cocktailing. let me tell you, cocktailing in this town can be as competitive as getting the new part in a major motion picture. and i hate having to do it. but right now, i'm entirely freeked on the fact that i don't believe anytning will change, and by the fact that i have no plan to pay bills. unbelieveable. and this woman who made this nice offer for promo tonight built her company from nothing and was in the red for a solid year and now she's green, green, green. but she also had a trust to dip into to survive. i, my dears, do not.

hope u are well. i need to get seriously horizontal and sleep. i had a harder time sleeping next to mta cuz, get this, i was obsessed on waking up looking ugly. on my makeup drooping down my face and my hair doing it's new tricks since i started cutting it myself. it can be quite a laugh in the mornings. so i kept half waking and wiping my eyes and smooshing my hair down. preventitive measures. silly. considering that i don't want 'anything' with him. i need to buy myself some confidence.

in other news, my cousin poon called and didn't get into college. she called right when i was going to the party so i could barely talk, but i had to hold back tears. she's the one person i'm most protective over in my entire life. she's the one i'd do anything for. name it. anything.

and i wanted to protect her from this. not that it's right for her to go to this college i went to that didn't accept her, but that i wanted to shield her from the fear and disappointment. she has no where to go now. no plan. terrified. city college i guess. all i could say is that she wasn't alone and that we'd figure it out together and that not everyone goes off to four years of debt incuring drunkeness. that maybe it's good to travel and work and take a year off. poor girl, in the same day her boy almost broke up and isn't speaking to her, and her work threatened to fire her. she's so cool as she retells. so defered. i'm going to leave a message for her. she's everything to me. i hope that she knows that. i hope that i help her in some way. ever since she was very little i've been telling her how she is smart and valueable and insightful and just filling anything that i can. holding her on the couch. holding her quietly through her walls. reminding her that i'm here for anything, no matter what and that i'll never leave her. i'm going to leave a message for her now.

god help me find a jobby job to subside while i kept growing my dream. :*)