2005-02-26 - 12:31 a.m.

so this might end up sounding sick but... remember that night at the book gallery, jewelry opening where m and smarty both showed up alone and lizard had to play strong wingwoman to help me juggle, then low and behold the youngin' i was toolin with, his roomate accidentally told both m and smarty that i was with his roomate and totally blew my cover. and it was a disaster. it was silly and certainly the silliest part is what i'm getting to...during this entire fiasco, what was i thinking? damn the drama, cuz there were other adorables there that i would of liked to pay some attention to them.

one in particular that kept making eye contact with me. goregous. spanish looking. dark hair.

so tonight we are at the same place and he's there and we keep up with the eye on eye business. finally he comes over and we talk for a bit. i learn nibbles on his story and he asks for my number. cat thinks he probably young which is like a death sentance for me. the whole time my best guy friend is there. and sometimes i wonder if he doesn't like my obsurd behavior in front of him, even tho we talk all the time about who we are mixing bits with. in fact today he made out with his ex. sometimes i look at him and think i could love him, but it's only spawned by virtue of our enduring friendship and by the fact that no guy has gone there before. and this leads me to believe in the grave value of friendship and how i want to really get to know soemone that i might get involved with. how i want to draw it out and be friends with them for a torturously long time first. its so cool.

there was this incredible looking girl who this boy bff wanted to know so i hooked that up, but she joked about wanting to make fruitful salivation with me. lawd. but we have officially invited her to our new official dive night. dive night not at dive hip bars, but at bars where the bartender wears a burgundy vest and the only patrons live around the corner and are yellowing with liver malfunctions. voices harsh like smoked bark peeling off slowly.

my guy bff isn't political enough for me to parnter up with. he's not aware enough, or intuned enough, or maybe deep enough. but it feels so nice to just get close to someone, to trust. hmmm, i guess i haven't consistently done this with the opposite sex without intermingling. god how refreshing. he is doing this underground radio program and i sat in tonight. a band played live and the boys were sixteen. yar. the whole thing reeked of geek shiek. so fucking cool. reedick.

so i wonder if this guy i met is of age. and i wonder if he'll call. then what? then what'll i do with him? jezuz what a bore. it's always the same. eh, whatever. that's what's comforting about having a tad bit of a consumming life. it saturates every inch of me, so there's little room to salivate into obsession on anything else. or at least that's the story i buy. but there has simply been too many times i've turned to lizard and with stary eyes said, 'i think he's the one.' so i'm *over it*. the only way someone will infiltrate is by intellegence, friendship, humor, travel, good food.....

tomorrow night i'm so excited cuz my friend mta is taking me to some art walk he has been talking about for a while. i like him a lot. we had a previous makeout history, only momentarily. but i ka-baashed it due to the typical youth factor. but he's dangerously adorable and it's been so endearing getting to know him just as a friend. i love it.

here's the only thing raping me of my mello: rent. and how to make it.

otherwise everything feels perfect. everything. each challenging slice.

:*) ya'll r too cool.

oh. pss. today was emotionally draining. from my first bite of breakfast, i felt capped over with emotion. then i spent the day downtown among starving human beings, debilitated people who really can't just "go get a job ". i trailed this guy for two blocks who hobbled around on a twice the normal sized swollen ankle, on crutches. no insurance. no family. no income. probably fell sick and was that one paycheck away from stumbling to the street. now he's begging for income. and i'm thinking whats different about me. it's just that i have the skin to shake it around enough to survive. and i have family and positioning. it's not fair. it killed me. then the older man that retained that embodiement of youth, in a wheelchair holding a teddy bear, leg elevated, broken. then the cracker older lady with a broken arm and missing leg in a wheelchair, short ash blond hair, a sprung, wrinkled face, tight with tension, perking up to me in a crackly, energetic voice, "it's hard to wheel across the street in time with one arm." i ached to talk to her. to ask, how the hell did you get here. what happened to your arm. where do you wheel around to all day. do you aim to arrive anywhere? when and how do you eat? where do you pee? where do you sleep? when is the last time you've been held?

i would of loved to talk to her, but by this time at the end of the day my heart already felt cracked in a dozen fissured pieces and i felt drained. and this followed by walking the fashion showrooms where people are so very removed from this harsh reality. abnoxiously, brashly, exaggeratedly in a whir of fantasy creation as if to severe the self from this reality in one final eternal blow. there is no integration. there is no care. only fear of the other.

i can't take it.

i stopped and ate at my favorite armenian/russian dive. they are too kind. it hurts. and then my new jeweler casters are too sweet and they have too much momentum to please me. it makes me uncomfortable to see two grown, wise men do this. i feel like a foot unable to fit in such a big shoe.

i believe in the sanctity of all humans. the true equality. the protection.

it just hurt a bit too much today. a bit too maleable to the differences and segregation. where are these people sleeping right now as i am warm, fed and filled up? what are they thinking at this very moment as the sky is once again dark and anything can happen beneath it?