2005-02-24 - 11:35 p.m.

jumblygiant wrote about cars and what they display about yourself.. and i wrote this....
thank you so much for the comments. it means the world to mean. i get so lost in my own mental dust that i forget. it's hard to believe when i am barely making rent...but i guess that's what believeing is all about.

i love this *ridiculous vain shitheads*
welcome to my town. i don't know where you live, but i swim with these chalky sabor toothed vainity suckers daily. i also wonder about the cars. i've been sensitive to it. when i was little i used to constantly play with cars. it was freedom, freedom i wanted and desperately need. to fly far from the fights and caos and desolation. cars have always meant a lot to me, and it's a mystery that two entire auto engines have failed and cost me sick amounts of cash. i used to have a vintage sportscar that made every man in the room drool with envy. and i loved the freedom of the drive, the bullet carcass, the curves it took. but i also loved that it filled some imagined deficeit within me. i felt like it brought me just barely up to some equal playing ground with the rest of the kids at recess. if the car i have now is indicitive of anything, it screams gay man, or possibly soccer mom. me! soccer whaaaa? yeah. i'd prefer a vintage speedster in a midnight blue with chrome accents and a white leather interior. and having said allll of this, i'm huge on public transportation. i'd drop it all for a great ride on the sub and a long walk home. but we'd have to watch "chinatown" to learn the conspiracy behind why my city doesn't have any adequate public transportation.

anyway. i feel like i'm just coming up from one big toilet swirly. i'm soggy and shaking the water out of my ears. it's frightening because i feel on fire right now. i feel the warrior has taken over, unafraid (avoiding) the whole surgery part, totally into work, submerged, inspired, spinning. it's taken everything brilliantly over. i'd never been like this ever before. i had never cared about anything enough. now i can't wait to find a partner where i feel like this as well. imagine. imagine, i barely can.

i'm just so filled up by the work. the whole day in idea creation and satiation. and tonight i went with cat to this thing and *all* i could think and talk about was design creation. purity. no room for thoughts on necks or guys or finances. just this goregous exploritory freedom. btw...we got great swag bags, wrinkle cream and a watch! of course i haven't worn a watch in years. so it's a regifter. or i'll ebay it!! raise petty capital.

tonight i'm thinking of new materials to fabricate and expiriment with and i just feel a flood bursting within. i can't stop them. i feel afraid of impending mania that's usually just on the other side of the waterfall. i don't want to dip away again. rise a few feet above my body. because it's like a burning fire, where i have to keep shoveling coal into it to keep it going and i never look behind me to see if i'll have any coal left.

but there are just two more methods that i'm dire to try with my belts. i'm jonesing. it feels like an addicts last imperative. i had no idea this would eat me alive. and thank god. deep breath. i just want to go on living to birth this. and to experience more of this love stuff. haha. to grow love and forgiveness of humaness.

okay, i have to go freek out now on the new materials i'm amped up to try. i can't wait to tell you what they are. no one in this fine sane earth has done this irreverant combination. :*0 even if it doesn't launch i'll love to wear it myself.