2005-02-24 - 5:35 p.m.

i acted the fool this morning at my appointment. i am not a candidate for coffee without food. it makes me seem like i had a hit at the pipe before i popped on in. i got so nervous i started talking fast and pouring all my product all over the table fumbling through it like a total arse on a nervous girl binge. i even forgot my linesheet in the car. but i guess the product and the spin is starting to win without me. she liked a few pieces a whole jugga'love lot. so she photographed several and took a few samples, the linesheets and is fed exing them today to tokyo-YO! (this is a new distributor to japan, not the other that would promote the harjesus out of the line, she would just straight buy and resell).

tokyo yo!!

tokya-mutha-farkin-yo.

she will try to sell her partners in t.town on the goods and then i guess they'd place a test order and see how they sell. that was good. i couldn't believe how nervous i got after all this practice. i was fighting with the devil in me that wanted to
*blow it*.

and then there was this other part that just kept coming up for air and barely saving the day.

then i went to this silver and gold guy and worked out our first casted pieces. holy shit. i can't believe i'm getting into that. it just felt like some unattainable far off day dream. i can't wait to see if i'm even good at this sculpting business. i know what i am good at, and it's always the impulse stuff, not the tedious craftwomanship. but i can't afford to pay someone good, so i have to get industrious and zen into it. i'm just so excited. and the paradox is that i still have no idea how i'll pay rent....and i don't know how i'll pay for these new silver and gold samples. and yet i don't know how i won't!! i have to. i hope i can put it on my credit card. so odd, that all of the lights turn green, and yet that doesn't yet translate into *green green* as in the shade benjamin wears as a national tender.

tonight i'm going to something where there might be goodie bags. i've been very well behaved with the drinking since 'ineb's big binge'. tonight i want no exception. i want to follow along with this two max plan. max. max. max. tomorrow is becoming just too important.

i sent an email to the rest of my family about the surgery. i felt like a dork, but i've heard a few call my mom every day. so i guess the word got out and i jsut wanted to be up front about it. ;i haven't told any friends beyond my tight ninja crew. i think i'll only tell them when i have a date booked so that i can get tones of sympathy and surprises at the hospital. yes. i am that girl.

:*)

but privately, i'll be at the casters checking out a piece on my neck, and this new reality hits like a train, like the morning after a long, sweet sleep of self forgetting...and the knowledge of a breakup, loss from death or something just hits like wet sandbags all timed to drop when they see you open your eyes. shit. so i'm putting the thing to my neck and the scar idea hits, the fear and curiousity on what it will look like. the fear of complications. it's the idea of the scar that will be the tip of the iceberg that forces me to look below. below is this wild uncertainty of the 'c' word.

are
you
fucking
kidding
me?

i just got word on this woman who ...nevermind. it's just not going to be that. i'm just not allowing my body to go that route. i'm simply not substantive enough, wise enough, sadistic enough to endure. so forget about it baby, i'm not giving her the option. we're just going to have this little sit in to asure everyone, but this ridiculous notion about the c is just over it by me.

hope u are well. good tidings for the bright days. and subtle awareness of the spirit for the dark.