2005-02-24 - 12:05 a.m.

i'm perplexed. i'm endeared. i just love reading others lives. this has become so intregal to my experience and my sanity.

i remember the first time i had sex with ben i literally ran down stairs and went online. i was confused. it's so odd because we can truly only love eachother as essential human beings. i just really feel for thsoe i read. there's this honesty of exposure. this unveiling of vunerability.

i'm feeling sad. and totally content, happy. delicious. sweet. fufilled.

this life is so completely what we make it. it can be hell and it can be heaven.

biggie smalls wants me to come to bed, i can tell. she's gearing up for a major purr sesh.

last night i went only slightly mad making a few new samples. drilling into wood after midnight makes friends of neighbors.

speaking the fuck of....someone stole one of my jugs of water that was delivered!!! there was two, now there is one. and it has to be a neighbor cuz they are heavy and i'm two flights up. so i left a note at the mailboxes stating the mysterious diappearance and said that "it better be returned or you will die."

hahahaha. i know. sick. come on. i'm laughing. i'm constantly having inside jokes with myself. the joke being that i know some will not get the humor and think i'm a candidate for the first bed available at the mental ward. "psych unit". the joke being that i'm joking and also i want the person who took it to believe somewhere inside that they are now in grave danger. i'd like to see who's behavior slightly changes around me.

i could right volumes on my cracked out neighbors. i'm in the last vestiges of rent control area. most have converted to quite expensive spots. but a few have lived here for 15 years and it smells as such.

first of all there's the ex-jocky crack addict that fights with his male friends is five foot zero with a military buzz cut and a wailing cat on the patio. everytime i come home 10am, 3am, 4 in the day, he opens his door in the hallway and i jump. i can't stand the subtle invasion. today i came home to him darting around his white z old bad white trash car that pretended to be a ?sports car? ten years ago but never really was even then. he was cleaning it in a drug induced fit to be sure.

then there's the rasta neighbor who's apartment smells like death, with chocking fumes of nag champa that you can smell an entire city block, up by the mailboxes and pool. he has kids of all ages by dumb blonds that think it's groovey to piss off dad and date the rasta. the other night i was kept up by him having sex all night. all night. 12, 3am 4am 7am. i thought constant pot lowers your levels. he sells pot and "makes music".

i can't even touch the rest. i don't have the time. but i do need to move. it's quashing my mello man.

i did my buyers meeting this morning and it went really well. she took notes, which is a non confirmed order. she wants to make sure she has the budget, but i know she'll place the order. we really clicked and it was a great building block. the place is perfect. it's so fucking cool. each piece a showcase piece. designers from all over. it's a mid sized spot, but super cool. she didn't go for the two pieces tho that i specifically pulled for that store.

i went to my zen meditation tonight. blessed are the few moments that i spend calmly. i had to explain to my girl (basically my lill sis, cousin, but i'm the second in command. i'm the one) about the surgery. it's hard to negotiate dealing with something with honesty and wanting to represent. i wanted to be a good example. i want to give everything i am and everything that i have to her. i want to pass on any wisdom and try to circumvent any pain i can for her. i'd do anything for her. she's in her last year of highschool. we don't know if she'll get into college. she applied to where i went and i'm secretly begrudged. i didn't entirely respect where i went and all i'm left with is years and years and years of loans to pay off. i want to save her from that.

ooooo i'm feeling molassasy over tomorrow. i have another buyer mtg with someone who could take it to japan. so it's a big deal and i don't feel ready. which i never will. and i feel like i'm going to get rejected. and i'm afraid for some silly reason. afraid i'll flop it somehow. i don't want to hear no, or even later.
i'll let you know. i still haven't moved forward with slicing scheduling. i'm just enjoying a few moments away from the intensity of it. but i feel horrible about the brother. particularly reading about how close others are to theirs. d- ur right, we can take space and end up better later. and he clearly needs this and i don't want to get dragged through the mud while he's figuring his new role out. i just always have the acute sensation that life is so short and can not be spent with credit, only cold hard cash. i don't want to waste time with anger and distance. but i also don't feel like this is just me. i'm doing really well with both my parents, all my friends. even thro emotion and drama, i'm honest and i'll never let the phone hang up angry. it feels very uncomfortable this thing with my brother. he's my only one and we are, were, really close. i guess i have to just let it go and trust that all will unravel and become close again.