2005-02-22 - 5:10 p.m.

v. that is so sweet. i just feel so loved and held up right now. this is just so unusual for me. in the past i had gone years without talking about what was going on. i fell a bit silent. soemtimes i really don't feel like this is something sustaining within me, i feel lifted from love and care and entanglement that i guess i've never experienced.

i sent my brother an email back stating how what he said hurt and how senseless it was to do during that time and that i feel as if his lofty offer to work it thro will just entail more blame and hurt so that i'd rather have my space right now. it hurt after i sent it. to ask for seperateness. but in effect, that's all he's done anyway. i just want to downsize drama right now. not drinking, not engaging in any affairs that end up horizontally oriented. maybe i'm carbo-loading like a pre-marathon maniac, but puleezz ninja's got have something!

i've made no headway on scheduling the impending slice me dice me session. i wanted to see if i should wait until after this tradeshow. and guess what i think i may have a showroom from this key spot. it's not "the end all fucking be all" but it's an extremely strong start. it's probably just all i could handle. she said that she's heard my stuff is selling really well and she is 90% sure she'll have space for me. which freeeks me out. and makes me squeal. but this is one of the big bad platforms that i'm afraid to step up onto. this could be the real deal orders that get me too committed. remember, foot out the door. afraid to be taken *too* seriously.

i am the last to know. the last to believe. i gased to hear that my stuff had sold. i really nearly resisted even hearing it. wtf.

scared.

ready.

so this would take a lot of calming to wait a month for surgury, having that knowledge over my head for so long. i almost just want to bed down asap and do this thing. but i also feel as if i've been taking quite a lot. i don't know how much more down i can feel. i need some respit. i need some breathing room.

the talley. with your endearing, curious reception of my site, i've now written through the first incredible heart break of a life time (when i started this diary), then the wild ass travel around the world, falling in love again with a fantasy with a keen accent, the rise and fall of too many auto engines, the sale of my first major work in nyc, the start of my company, the ghetto poor living i'm floating thro currently, and now a major organ surgery. wow. it's like a resumae. alison, since you are the soul human who knows, wait also vla, you know me sorta too, but alison is local, so alison if something "goes down" which it certainly wouldn't, you have to hack my site and go online and let everyone know. or i'll give you my password and make it easy. i know someone who just stopped writing and i have no idea what happened to him and it's a grey feeling. but clearly nothing would happen. we're too tight for that silly.

yar, now i have to go prep all of my samples which are in various balls around the place for a buyers mtg tomorrow. i think half of them are ruined. g.damn. i really don't want to remake all these pieces tonight. and i'm attempting to drag myself to yoga. again with the overplanning.