2005-02-22 - 10:20 a.m.

my dad is "speeching" to me on the phone. speech speech speech.

to be reminded at 10.20 of alll the shit. all the shit. he's trying to love and support, but what he does is slather, smuther, drown me in his pertinent now now now emotion. wanting to get me into the thick mix with him and bond and cry and stir and *i can't*. i just can't at 10.20 in the morning when in theory it's my monday morning day of work. i need to just kick some ass here and stay focused and stay positive and not be in this thick molassis all day. and i've had this beautiful opening of light this morning and i just want to own it and walk in it a while.

i woke up to a rainbow. i went for a walk in the rain. the neighborhood looks so........
he's crying now. dad. about the deep sense of love. i get it. it's just a bit much to steam onto me. (okay off the phone with him now).

anyway. the walk. i really wanted to tell you about the walk man. the place looks so different with the streams of water falling from the sky. the sun pushing through, glazing the edges of loud clouds. urban water falls in unexpected places. the sounds of surging rivers rushing down storm drains. little dropletts in perfect orbs on blump green leaves, bark the color like a brilliant black lacquer. saturated.

i came back feeling like i'm awake again. like i'm ready. okay...not ready for the loss of a week of work. not ready for the chance of loosing my vocal cords in some complication. not ready for the scar or possible pain. not ready to feel like people will surround me when i'm down and i'll be speachless and have to let them in.

beyond *that* i'm feeling my strength cull up. i'm feeling the ninja warriordom rising up. i'm feeling ready to be strong through this and imperfect and human. a real warrior.