2005-02-21 - 5:45 p.m.

thank you so much for the care. it makes me feel so soothed jumbly to hear that you think these things too.

so now i know why i was in such a space. i spent the day at the doctors office. it's becoming real.

it's difficult to breath. my throat just feels paralyzed and breathing feels difficult. when i got back from the doctors i could do nothing but collapse and sleep a little. i'm finally eating. which doesn't feel that great either. even tho it's uber comfort food, ravioli in a creamed tomato sauce. i'm officially censoring all calls non-lizard. it's just so heavy to me to get these calls about stuff going on tonight and M wanting to pick up his stuff from the party. as if i'd never see him again and he needs his fondue pots he hasn't used in years by today. give me some space folker! shit.

todays appointment, although much nicer doctors and much better decor, broke it down quiet a bit harsher in terms of the news. he said i have to have surgery. that the percentage with the kind i have thhe percentage that it is cancer is 20 or 30%. i just think this is all insane and most likely for not. this will be taken out to find nothing and i will be left with one long ass scar across my neck. havin' some feelins about this. breath. breath. breathing. trying not to just cry all over again. and so it is.

and so it always has been.

and i feel so rare with tears streaming down my cheek in the elevator thinking, a. i'm too young for this blue haired ward, b. the woman next to me probably is dealing with real live breast cancer and i am just such a wuss. i truly do not know how someone goes through that. i truly do not know how someone goes through a cancer that feels totally uncontrollable and unknowable. my alleged situation won't spread if this is taken out. and she knows once again we're talking about her, cuz my "region" has been in pain all day.

breathing.

and i don't know how anyone goes through this without family. my mom is going to have to fly out and take care. i'll have to take a week off work and i don't know how to plan for that. and breath.

i have four new buyers meetings. march is fashion week. i'll miss an entire season again.

i know the warrior within will kick in soon. but right now we just waant to sleep and drink kombucha and watch movies and read and rise later later.

i don't want to explain this to cat. she and now bff guy knkows and i don't want to catch them up. it's exhausting and i feel awkward dealing with their silences and ebbs and flows of knowing how to respond. and i just don't know how letting people "in" will happen. how letting people take care of me might happen. magically i assume, because there is just no other way. and i hate peoples kindness because it makes me want to stay in the game and somehow i feel as if i've wanted one foot in and one out so i can leave just in case. have my in case bags packed at all times.

so my brother wrote to me this
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
ineb, I just got an email for mom. She informed me that you are to have surgery on your thyroid. I want you to know how much I love you. You are my one and only sister its important for you to know how much I care. The timing of our falling out is indeed unfortunate but the universe works in strange ways. I am going through a lot of personal changes and no longer can be expected to fall into the familiar rolls of the past. We can work through this if we try. Also, my girlfri showed your belt to *** and they would like to see your line sheets etc. I will make sure that we get the belt that you gave to us to show back to you soon. Your brother
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

yes its an effort, but so cold. that's not him at all. and he doesn't appologize for being a mile away and not only not seeing me while i'm testing for "cancer" but telling my i'm selfish for saying so, "it's all about you." i can't let that go and right now i can't let him in or forgive or ever speak to him again as long as i live. i feel like writing him back and telling him that i have enough on my plate and i can't believe he'd be so selfish to put more there and that to pleasee not contact me and that although its just award winning that he's getting on his own path, that his actions have crushed me and have been nothing but totally abrasive, thoughtless....

i'm angry about it.

i'm peeling myself up to go to some gita meditation. trying it all man. zen, gita whatever. they better not make me move around cuz i'm tired. i'm out. then i just want to tap out and read my bad book, eat a cookie and call it. and here at the end of each thought is the knowledge that i have to decide when to have this surgery. when to stop my life. when to risk nerve damage in the voice box and have to have a triox whatever box and their list of the worst cases if they have to take it all out.

there certainly are worse situations in the world. but here i go blazing forth never expecting this.