2005-02-21 - 9:41 a.m.

holy shit i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. i woke to at 7.30am to my friend on aim being cruel to me about some tech problem. he can be so dark.

it started me on such a mood. then there's bills and the panic. and the frustration at extra charges i have to call on. and in the back and front of my head i can't stop thinking about perfect relationships and how they sounds so incredibly sweet and how i feel so very far off and nearly untouchable. how "i'll never" have one again. how i did and it was years ago. the rain is pouring again.

i just feel so aggressive and crabby and i wonder if it's the wellbutrin. most claim to have lives saved by it and i agree, but i feel like it brings out an aggression and a very short fuse.

and i think that the drinking has been doing me absolutely no fucking good. i just remember being happier. i guess. or not. i also had my moods and drama. but happiness seemed closer somehow on the normal days of the week. but the freedom is incredible. the abandon. i drank at my party on sat night and i still feel groggy over it. i didn't even drink that much. but i just don't feel like i own myself so much with drinking. i feel forgetful and out of my skin. people tell me things they told me while i was drinking and i never have an ounce of recollection. i'm sick of being fucking gone. i'm sick of forgetting. i'm sick of disappearing. i'm sick of not feeling myself. i need to take some time off. two drinks at most if at all. it seems like even three is too much. it's the point at which warmpth takes over and i don't care how many i have. i think i need a month of total clarity. one only or none. i just need a clean slate. it's the cummulative effects of the several damaging nights wearing down on my sense of self. it's the residue. the aftershocks.

it's 9.48 am and i already am hating my life, hating my head space and embarrassed that you all have to hear about it. i wish i had a great perspective and a great partner and fuzzy stories. i'm just feeling foul like i've already missed the mark and all i have today is bullshit and the doctors and i have to go alone and on top of that i have to deal with my mom and her insistency and the weight of everyone on this. it makes me just want to stop the entire thing. i'm just feeling like a failure. and when i feel like i just can't do life, that i'm not meeting my expectations (being in something healthy with a man, or even meeting anyone healthy ever ever ever ever or thinking i'm worth it enough to scarcly attract it, expectations with making money, paying bills....) when i feel like this failing hopelessness i feel like i just shouldn't *be* here. like it's too difficult and the "i'll nevers" are stacked up against me too much to feel any hope.

yes, i know i'll feel differently in a few hours or tomorrow. and my cat keeps climbing in my face and i can't take it. this just isn't working. my life just isn't working. i feel like a failure. i feel like i'm failing. and then there's this health question.

i thought i was supposed to feel less depressive and less overwhelmed. and in general i deal with everything so much more and i don't stay low long. but when i plunge, i feel like i'm plunging so low in my thinking. in the anger i have at myself.

i'm sorry this is all i have for you. and on top of it i'm angry that i'm angry and not having some sage, perfect, sweet, calm, zen reaction to my life. to what could be beautiful.

i'm mad and judgemental that this is the way i'm being. the choice i'm making and failing and not doing work. not getting enough done. i hate doctors appointments and although i'm surrounded with friends and in theory with family, i feel so fucking alone. i feel so alone with this. we come in alone and we leave alone. and we try to nest to forget that for a few waking hours, but i'm feeling acutely alone in this pouring rain and silence and like i'm *just not normal* and what is wrong with me to be like this right now. what is even bringing this on??? i need a constant stream of good tidings from the outside to give me enough to feel good.

validation from men (giving me hope that i'll meet that person, or giving me that high feeling of excitement), validation from work (giving me hope that the business will work, that my life will work). if i'm not getting those, then here i am. left with nothing but my own sad thinking that just burrows to the depths and then judges myself for not being normal. for being so off and dark and jsut not normal enough.

i feel like i caught my friends depression hanging out with him. his place is so dark. and i was over there last night and it pulled at me. then i ate fast food which i never do and everything just felt clouded over.

but i don't want you to worry, i'm sure i'll stop off and switch it around. pull thro, make some bullshit gratitude list. try to stop the juggernaut.