2005-02-17 - 7:52 p.m.

i just had to go through all of my old voice messages and erase them and i kept cringing at the various ex's.

"i can't believe i was with him. *what was i thinking*"
the good news is that those ridiculous altercations have been reduced from one year stints to a one week churn around.

i'm feeling completely focused again and back up with my business. i want to be constantly doing this. and i'm so committed that i'm completely re-willing to do more massage to support myself as i build this business. i'm willing to bite it and work my fucking ass off twelve hours a day, and on the weekends. it's either that or a complete defeat and getting a real day job. some pasifying career. and i envy those who have paychecks, health insurance and paid vacations.

but this is everything that i am.

i've been terrified, and too much on the floor, to call buyers and make some sales. i feel like i have to be in the mood. i'm ready now, but i feel like i need to re-evaluate my stall/start/stop sales approach and get smart and hand it over a bit. expand. get a rep. they take a percentage, but as long as they are killing it more than i can, then i'll happily put out .

i'm stalling...
i don't want to think more about it. explain it.

doctor.

worse case came down like cement pouring down, slowly over my eyes, sliding over the skin of my cheeks, choking off my neck, heavy on my neck, pulsating.

the second i left the office i burst into tears.

the senario: they can't and won't be able to tell if its malignant. so they have to go in invasively and take half of it out, just to be able to know if it's cancer and then if it is, they have to do a second surgery to remove both. or they take it all out just for shits and giggles and call it a day and i live on medication that apperently if i really miss, i may die. or i ignore the whole adorable episode and hope i don't have the cancer. and if i do, then the only way they'll know is if it grows to the point of pronouncement, to the possible point where it could be too late. maybe spread. spread? spread? i thought this kind couldn't spread.

spread my ass.
spread.

fuck spread.

fuck your spread.

the percentages are incredibly low for someone my age to have this be cancerous. but they can't know.

so apperently i have some decisions to make.

and the news has spread through out my family like diahrea after dollar day at the burrito barn. three calls instantaneously. then the stream of questions asked so that the mud can settle into their thinking. to help their coagulation.

it is *so* strange to feel people care.
to have to talk them through their care and worries.

i certainly have been in much deeper emotional or physical pain before this, and yet since this is worn on my sleeve, everyone is fronting with the love. everyone is errupting with concern. concern that frightens me. that makes me feel the weight of this, the "importance," the potentiality.

lizard is demanding again to go to my next appointment. my aunt is offering to drive up. i can't figure out for what, all i can do right now is go in for a second opinion. my mom stated it right, "we don't have organs removed in this family without a second opinion."

lizard is bringing me treats. i can't take it. i can't.

i want to not tell anyone anything but you. i want to say the doctor said it was fine and then i'll go to everything myself, maybe drunk. or not. but the most unbearable part is this uninvited tenderness. i've been through the absolute worst parts of my life like a little island.
hold on lizard is here+++++++++++++++

i just got back from hanging with the lizard. holy shit, i would pay good money for a night like that. good money for the stress relief and the ease. and the self forgetting.

we just walked around, bought my favorite items of the night, here's the short list:
newmans organic cookies
a new box of cookies
brown cow yogurt
kombucha iced tea drink.

it's so fun just hanging, humans need unconstructive time. i never have unconstructive time. even social hours for me are all about networking or being piss drunk or meeting guys or being in certain conversations. i can't get healthfully lost like i did tonight, entirely myself, entirely purposeless, joyful.

she's so sweet. she brought me two of her new vintage thermals and she gave me her gift certificate for a spa massage.
*it kills me*. i didn't want to take it, but i also know how it feels when you just want to treat someone and they act all wierd and won't take it and it takes the fun out of the giving. so after short refusal, i accepted and got excited. but it hurts. she says i'm one of the burnt marshmellows. hard on the outside and incredibly gooey on the inside.

i can't believe it. it's been raining and so everything is dark with the street lights glimmering off the wet. the smells of spring sprouting off a tree, warming the air. and then the smell of wood. cabin, camping fire wood. just talking girl talk and living on latin time. i love when we are peruvian. i need it.

so...i think that sums it up. i'm sick with sugar and devastatingly full of love.