2005-02-20 - 9:05 p.m.

where do i even begin?

i have a crush of the century. to the degree that i manufactured an entire 4 person co-hosted formal cocktail party just to see him. and i did and it killed. i like him so much it hurts to be near. he's the type where you can see his smile a mile away. he's got joy and he's of age!!! "he's an adult" lizard kept nudging me. he's got dimples that just melt you, and he's sexy and tall and weelll dressed and tenderish and manish and interesting and isn't a scammer, isn't a cheesey la guy. when i finally had two minutes with him i froze. then to make up for it i over talked. i frightened him to be sure. when he left he said, "i'm sure i'll see you again soon." nothing else. i know he's shy. but hell man. nothing more? he's the bff of M. who i mingled with. so that's a bit dirty. but m and i are clean friends. but i don't know what m has said. i think they think i'm a flirt. which i am.

last night's party was incredible. people dressed to the nines. 20 bottles of champagne in the first hour. i made the best cheese fondue ever. it turned out and i was shocked, squealing with surprise. i had one really good business contact that i had also planted a seed on and the plant grew.

then i had drama cuz under the duress of the bubble's the whole health senario occured to me and i grabbed by best guy friend and we ran out in the rain and i told him everything. he was so sweet. he's used to girl drama. i'm the least of it for him. mild form. i odn't know if he has a crush or if he's okay about our growing intimacy. at the end, we stood in a house crevass away from the rain, listening to it fall in a asweet silence. then me, slightly afraid of what might happen next saw two firetrucks roll up and i started in on how they are coming to our party to crash it, or someones fallen and what a great end to the party that would be and i ran off to see the hot action. (it went to a neighbors. but it was a good excuse to run away). oo btw, smarty shows up, i accidentally invited him thinking he couldn't go, and he showed.

one of my co-hosts mother was there and that's a very long story, one of those young and still trying to mix moms who is friends with her sons friends i guess. and she is a silly designer of cheaper accesories and all of the sudden after seeing several of my pieces announced that she's doing this one *just the fuck like mine*. are you kidding the fuck me?

eh?

and she was staring all night at the one i had on and asking who makes them for me, wanting my contact. i should of told her theyh are already in stores, cuz that usually backs people off if they think you've beat them to the punch. but she has a much quicker ramp up. she can get there quicker. damn. i didn't think fast, i was hardboiled in utter shock. what a fuck. what a slut fucker. i don't ever want to be that woman. this poor friend of mine who is protective of her and can't aknowledge what she is really about. he tries to just negotiate and quell it. lord almighty mighty.

she got in an arguement with one of our other co-hosts who tends to be hostile anyway. but he's a gem. he's just protective and fierce. he's one of the dood's i went to miami for elections with. he's incredible.

i didn't work today and so i'm feeling piss. i hate feeling behind. there's so much to be done this week. i have my first buyer mtg on wednesday. i've got to change the way i'm doing it. it takes up so much time going out to people, i need to be in a tradeshow or have a rep/showroom. it's time to up the anty.

oh. i also have my $450 dollar first second opinion doctors meeting tomorrow by myself. btw my brother still hasn't called. and i still don't want to ever speak to him as long as i live. i'm really sour on the amount of money my mom will spend to have yet another doctor feel at my throat and make guesses and more tests. i'm not that worried yet, just annoyed at the cost and time lost. nervousa quelled because time has been bought with a second opinion, so loss of major organ is suspended. time bought. done.

aaaaaa i just spoke to m about last night and he said nada about the crush. god damn it. i've got to let go of this. otherwise i'll feel like the torn, rag doll in the clenched teeth of the puppy tossing back and forth and back and forth in a vicious, playful whiplash.

yes that is just how a crush feels.

i'm going to go eat chocolate now.