2005-02-16 - 7:22 p.m.

every time i come up for air i'm mystified about "where i went."

it's a glitching momentary life coma.

i'm exhausted. i figured it out. i push so hard, because i never know when the next check out session is, so i am simultaneously trying to catch up and over work to utilize the great waking hours.

the last two days have been those overly utilized days. working very late. i'm just leaving now for clients and have been pounding out work all day.

aaaa. my heart just jumped. a surge of adreniline.

tomorrow morning at 8.45am i'm back to visit doctor "i have no time for your questions." he wants to drag me in to make money off the visit. he said its too complicated to talk about over the phone. ridiculous. he may want to take the thing out.

we are nearing the part where i panic. i've staved it off. but we are closing in on reaction street.

no matter what he says, the only thing i do know is that it isn't over. if he wants to cut, i'm going to leave his office and go to this hard core cancer specialists who will probably have to poke and gank me all over again.

i'm also really panicked about this rapist in my moms area. he's raping women daily. broad daylight, a grandma and young kids. a woman at a pet shop. unlocked doors. my mom is notorious for leaving everything unlocked. i feel powerless. this person, this man, must be spinning out of control to be on this rampage of control and violence. this weighs so heavy. so heavy. in what might of been one hour, these women's lives are irrevocably, forever changed. possibly ruined for several years as i've witness with a close friend. i'm enraged.

i was listening to this classic rock station, these stations tend to be so crasly male. and this dj was saying, "what women need to do about violence"

and i was bracing myself for some punch line, or some version of telling women what *they* need to do. hello not their fucking issue, it's not their fists that are flying.

and he says, "women need to teach their boys that it is never under any circumstances ever okay to hit a woman. ever. period. not cuz you've had too much to drink. not becuz of what she said or did. ever."

and i've never heard a male, i've never heard a media person, i've never heard anyone go there and make me so fucking happy that i'm a life long loving fan of this peace loving doodical. we need a shift in what is socially acceptable.

i was listening to a brit song about not having the trouble of a "bitch." massive perception.

i've gotta go... maybe i'll post more. i've been currently panicked about money and my business, more so than the health. and the close second to cause anxiety was the drinking binge. it's just...it shakes me.

i have therapy after the dr. meeting, so that should be tantilizing. what more can i possibly talk to her about. all we ever hash on is how i'm supposed to take care of myself and how i bring myself down. clearly. got it man. now what??

jumbly. thx u for the feedback, i love it! do it all you want.