2005-02-14 - 10:08 p.m.

i'm so sad that i obliterated myself so much this weekend. i finally feel better.

this whole brother thing rocked me and i "drank at him" last night. i could barely type. i could barely walk.

barely remember.

friday night and sunday night i got rocked.

i was up till four a.m. sobbing and throwing up. so violently that my neighbor called at 4, asking if i was alright.

what comes first? the chicken or the egg? the drinking or the drama?

the drama causing the drinking or the drinking causing the drama.

today was a very grey day. i woke up four hours later, entirely out of it. thick with numbness. numb from the booze synging my system, numb from hours of crying. numb from throwing up. i had to drive myself to the hospital for the tests.

wait, let's back up. last night i went to this great jazz night and lizard left when that guy arrived and he and i continued to drink. he had been doing some coke. "a little". i only drank. apperently a lot. on the way home i am sobbing in my car and leave my brother a how could you leave me by myself to deal with monday message. then i am in the car with the guy and i start sobbing. he's the one where our moms are bff's.

i am not a cryer. particularly when drunk.

never.

ever.

and here i am, unloading about the brother and the tests. he tucks me into bed after much of my lunacy and i'm feeling like he left because i got messy and there wasn't going to be any sex. so many guys are easy to adore me when i'm perfect and when the weather gets rough, they just want to tuck me in and walk away.

at the first doctors visit i was mortified. i couldn't explain to anyone why i couldn't talk. couldn't have sympathy and connection to the teen cancer patient or the woman who drove 250 miles for them to cancel her appointment to screen her breast cancer. the fear. that anxiety. the older man. the quiet people soaked in apprehension in this small waiting room with grey fabric chairs and all i could do with my hat and glasses on is sit on the floor and dip my head between my legs. i couldn't be there. i wanted to make like i was invisible.

i had to drink radioactive iodine and come back at one. at one i sat for nearly an hour in one uncomfortable position while they scanned my thyroid/neck. i still don't know why. i don't know what they'll gain from this.

i slept all day. i slept until 5pm.

i spoke with my mom. she is worried. she is poking around, trying to ask if i'm drinking. my dad is talking to me about stopping self destruction. about fears of normalicy. about the brother story and about how alone i felt.

i canceled dinner with the guy tonight. i have no interest. the only reason i'd be going is to be out on v=day. i went with cat and my best guy friend joined us and we got entirely caught up dishing hard on everything about relationships, patterns, pushing aways. it was perfect. an amazing meal that cat treated me to, relaxed. taken for who i am. people started asking today if i've checked my mail, if anything was delivered.

i got home to a beautiful arrangement from cat. it's so sweet. i feel horrid that i didn't even think to give this year. i'm usually so on it with the sweet surprises. but i give to my friends year round as well.

the best thing about my day: biggy smalls (luscious fat cat) acting as my purring eye mask sheltering me from the world i could not face today.

i am so sorry. it hurts so much when people love me and i'm doing nothing but vanishing slices of myself.

i didn't drink tonight and it feels so good. it's so wild having "feelings" and having a new weapon to erase them. bruise them.

i need to start caring for myself in the ways that others try to. lizard would be devestated if she knew the half of it. i couldn't tell her how i drove home drunk twice. now i've run around and drummed up worry from every corner. why am i insisting on being the broken girl. when do i get to sustain a sense of completion? not a sense that i'm waiting for someone to fill in my gaps.

i'm someone who truly believes in the beauty of life. of every inch. of the cancer ward and heavy weight on the brow of the face of the dad with the teen. i want to be present for it. and when i drink myself away, or press myself in many other erruptive ways, i disappear and i feel the light in me quieting.

i want to get past the broken girl myth. i want to adhere to the love through the glue of simplicity and not sympathy and sorrow. i hate the way everyones feeling about this right now. i can feel it from lizard. i can feel it from my mom. my mom is agonized.

and last night, in the midst of this terrible abandon, i have to admit, in the wreckless fury i wanted to just die. here i have such a thirst for life that i sometimes drown by it and yet within me also lives this sensation to completely obliterate myself.

i felt really loved tonight. i wish i could consistently see myself as others might. but then again my brother feeds back to me that i'm bad and that i'm selfish and it's all about me because i brought up the hospital monday.

right now i can't imagine ever speaking to him again. he may never know how his actions have effected me. broken my heart. broken my belief.

i feel like i have no right to bounce back onto the horse and move on. i feel like i deserve to stay where i've brought myself. on the floor. but there is something else, some wierd seed of compassion and acceptance. i think it's love.

i think i've been in a lesson learning about love.