2005-02-13 - 6:12 p.m.

"put me out. put me out. put me out of misery."

-the stones.

i still haven't talked with my brother. i'm heartbrokenly chasing it away and the clouds are just closing in on me.

i stayed on the other side of town last night. went to the swap meet this morning and scored some possibly good finds. i just felt *out*. out of my life. out of feeling in.

lizard and cat were also quiet and lizard was crabby as hell. so at least i can say it wasn't just me. i guess i am capable of severing the pieces i don't like off of me.

i'm avoiding thoughts of my brother being miles away.

i'm avoiding thoughts of monday's tests for cancer in my throat.

i feel alone.

i feel like getting drunk to dunk my head in the purity of that thickening silence.

you can't find me there.

no one can.

i am the living paradox.

entirely social. drowning in friends. i can't keep up calling them back. i pocket friends like a compulsion. a safety blanket. all kinds. from many backrounds. so i am constantly surrounded if i seek it.

but there's a desolate place within that still feels alone just in this moment, right now. alone with myself in my room. alone as the phone rings, i answer it and put on "normal voice" to make upbeat plans for tonight.

to keep on going.

i just keep on going.

i just don't want to feel depressed. i don't want to slip into the dark grey hues again.

i want the momentum of my life to ease me with a sweet breeze brushing against my skin.

i am touched with joy often. i've had moments. i still have them a lot. and i also feel like i am walking in a beautiful, great field with deep, plunging dirt holes and at any one point i may just walk right into one. or worse, be warmed in this sun and dig a hole to take a respit.

a respit from all the cycles, influences, andulations of life.

i hope you don't think i'm a bad person. i'm completely honest in here. everything is displayed like long thin pins puncturing raw muscles, dead butterflys, a cherry jello heart with salmon colored tubes jutting out in other directions, all on display in a white lab of observation.

so when does *it* happen?

at which point does the climax of this story happen? the peak? at which age does it all culminate and shortly after, everything makes sense.

okay. i need to clean. i need to make just one single movement in a healthy direction today so i can feel a bit well tomorrow. tonight i go to a friends house who is doing a foreign film screening and then i might go to this sunday jazz night. i feel like falling away some more tonight.