2005-02-12 - 3:27 p.m.

i am so drained. so hurt. i have stories on back log. i hate back log.

let's deal with right now...

first of all i'm hung over. violently cloudy and exhausted.

second, my brother is in town with his girlfriend. when he made the plans he was very casual with me, becuz it's her business trip and they are staying at her friends etc. so he had the air of, hopefully i can see you and well i can hang monday cuz she'll be working. so i get the crumbs. so i kept some plans i had and didn't drop everything cuz it seemed casual. and i do try to fit *everything* in cuz i like trying to burn myself totally out doing everything under the sun cuz i hate missing out. so he becomes all over himself offended that i made plans for this screening on the early end of the night we are to go out. and something very simple, something i had canceled right after we got into it, became a huge fight. i have a very short trigger after drinking. the wick is cut down to the end. and he starts accusing me of being selfish and self centered. and i am out of my mind at this point becuz i've made all these plans with a ton of people coming to dinner with us and a few parties lined up and all of these ideas about hanging out and showing him around. and i'm beside myself becuz i tell him he's selfish cuz i had said monday i have the dr apppointments and he didn't even offer to go and i said it's entirely selfish for him to be so mean to me when i'm sensitive and going thro this thing on monday. we're talking cancer here. we're talking the possible removal of a fucking major organ. and after all this he says, see it's all about you.

i'm just beyound myself. and i'm so broken hearted. he is one of the closest most important people to me in my life and life is so short and i'm so afraid to loose someone in anger. and i try to reconcile and he wont' let go of the movie thing repeating how selfish i am and he just can't move past it and is willing to not even see me this trip. and i don't know how i'll walk thro tonight, tomorrow and tomorrow night knowing he's here and not even seeing him.

and i want to kill his girlfriend, cuz this is so abnormal i can only suspect that she's pressuring him or feeding him wierd info. i can't believe this. i just can't.

so now we will rewind and i'll explain my last few days.

thursday mid day i speak with a stylist friend to see when a piece would come out. and he says he's shooting with this extremely historic person, and that i can bring him some pieces. it's the type of opportunity that could make a designers name known. so i break my ass to not only make it happen, but to learn and entirely new medium in one day and a half, buying the machinery, raw materials and trying to self teach myself it. insane. i end up busting out 7 new custom pieces to find out at the very end, 9pm jpicking up some work from my manufacturer, that the shoot has been cancelled and isn't rescheduled.

ouch.

i go from there to a friends party and am blanketed by good friends, great wine and yummy meatballs. i am slipped a muscle relaxer pill for later. i meet a guy friend out for some bar hopping and at the final one, we split the pill, but not before dropping it on the ground three times and handling the dirty concrete ground as if we crack addicts hunting for our missing rocks. we must of been comedy.

this is where its wierd. i hadn't slept, quiet overworked, drunk, and unfortunately i drove home all the way across town. while i was driving on the ten freeway, i was nodding out, falling ninto some soft, comfortable, relieveing sleep, until i'd nod back noticing the car waving into the emergency lane. bad. terrrible. i nodded out five times. i can barely remember looking at anything beyond just the lane markers and trying to concentrate on them so i wouldn't have anything happen. god forbid i'd get pulled over. during, i'm constantly feeling how incredible it is. and the next day how much i want to go easier.

i'm exhausted. there are these beautiful miracles that happen in life. i've been feeling in tuned to feeling them. to feeling how incredible and sweet life can be. i feel very lucky to be sensitive to the quiet gyrations that happen between human beings. i had this wild moment happen with my belt manufacturer. this silent, incredible, exhausted understanding. it was one of the most profound experiences. the rain, the pause, the handshake. the belief. the good of people. i am such a synic that it always feels like a miracle when i let people in, when i crack the door and let the stream of light dust in.

i'm going to a screening and meeting up with friends. staying on the other side of town tonight, getting up early for a meeting over there, then going to the swap meet and i'm very excited about that.

i've been feeling close to this one guy friend. we've always had strickly plutonic energy. and he's not really for me. there's some core things i'm just not sure i'd want in a partner. or rather, there isn't anything majorly 'wrong,' more just not enough that would feel totally right. but you get used to people. i just get comfortable and this affection grows. this necessity. i felt it in my heart, this twinge of wanting to see him. it's the shared intimacy, not some mad rush where everyone is plastic by the default of brievity. but a more lasting sense of knowing someone, standing in eachothers space long enough to really know one another, and still stay.

that other guy the recent one that our moms are bff's asked me out for monday. i don't know if he realizes it's v-day. i don't want to get involved, but i do want to just have a nice night of kindness.

i'm so tired. crying, emotion, drama has it's own special sort of exhaustion. i need a double latte no foam.

i hope you are well.

monday is valentines day and my loving gift is the doctors appointment sandwiched in between gads of work. i would ;just work through the night or have girls night and get silly and drunk. but now i have that date. shoot, girls night sounds a little better.

stay tuned...will i ever speak to my only brother again?

will i ever recover from the massive exhaustion?

will i find all my dreams come true at the swap meet tomorrow?