2005-02-07 - 2:04 a.m.

i've been a bit quiet lately.

i feel myself to be in the birth canal, in a painful spot, wondering if i'll ever push through. wanting the wombish comfort of ignorance.

the only way is through.

and i'm *not* doing it gracefully.

but i'm starting to do it with compassion for the first time in my life.

friday night was a long night. met up with someone i know from my hometown. our moms are best friends.

i did not remember how incredibly hot he was. after our third bar he said stop, grabbed me, spun me into him and layed it on. i loved the masculinity of it. i loved the command.

we were too physical too quick. and now i've lost some respect. lost interest in wanting to get to know him. i really wanted to just keep him as another male friend, but then there was the "spin in."

saturday night i went to this art thing with cat and then we ate taco bell, had girl talk. then i was fast asleep, 11.30pm, book on cheast, light on. toast.

passed on many great adventures that night because i burned the wick too fast friday night. shock.

tonight i went out because i wanted to show some guys my new designs i'll sample tomorrow. i needed some feedback.

i feel too floating with these new designs. i feel like i'm trying to make someone else happy and not rock it from some flourishing, spring well inside. i just feel pressed to come up with new pieces for this party i'm having for my line in march. it's so fucking soon. i hope i'll come up with a cohesive line of fantastic, blow your mind work.

i ran my personal financials, my costs of living, how much i should be making and i'm panicked. it's so high and i'm not making nearly enough. no wonder i'm falling into some creative debt. i need to cook it quick. i quiet clearly know i'm a bit afraid to make the income with the line. there is some hesitancy to own it, to have it take me over. to have it be too real, too big or too life sucking. i need to get someone amazing to do the sales so i don't stress so much. and then someone else to do the deliverables cuz that's a pain. but i don't know if i can hand over the control either. but sometimes i just can't jumpt thro the next sales hoop cuz i get shy, or scared, or slow. i need this to be like a smooth running machine.

i also need to keep meditating.

the turk came with me tonight. she was flirtatious as usual. making me sit on her lap. touching etc. but when it comes down to us alone, she never pulls the trigger. i can't figure her out. but it's very comfortable for me. i couldn't take the pressure if there was more. it's safe to have this friendship with flirtation.

:*) i don't take my health test for another two weeks. but you knew that. i usually forget all about it, until i'm reminded, then it comes to me like a flood. what is more pertinent to me is my business and financial survival. it is my dream to make this not just float, but to fly.