2005-02-03 - 3:19 p.m.

remember the meditation center i mentioned that is near my pad? i walked past it last night twice. peeking in, wondering for the hundreth time what its like, how great it would be if i got silly with it.

finally, i go in, take off my trainers and join the five others on pads on the hard wood floors. i am immediately struck by the stinch of my feet. thinking its my socks which have been subjected to the shoes, i remove them quite belaboringly only to find, it's actually my feet.

trying meditating through the smell of rotten eggs fermented over vinegar.

so the leader even looks like a buddha, a white buddha with an enormous protruding belly and a round, shiney bare skull.

after some instruction we are told we will meditate silently for thirty minutes.

panic.

panic.

thirty?
eh, man? i haven't sit anywhere calmly for thirty unless i'm on something or totally zoning out, which is vastly different than meditation. i was very concerned that i couldn't do this zazen.

then i'm breathing and doing the number counting and all of the sudden, bing goes the bowl chime and the thirty is up. it honestly felt like a thin fifteen.

then he started doing a dharma talk. he spoke about giving to eachother through intent listening. feeding eachothers souls by this affirmation. then he talked, get this, about the shit that comes up in life. like *tumors*. yes this is the night before my doctor appointment. his wife got diagnosed with a brain tumor and had to wait a month for surgery. but she woke up and couldn't understand a word said to her, it all sounded jumbled, and everything she said made sense to her, but it came out as jumble. imagine, never being able to feel heard. the confusion. she became really angery, reacting violently.

horrific. but it is all just life. we are floating by, then are snagged.

so this morning i go to my doctors appointment and the jabberjaw drug me in there to rush me through a whole two minutes of his time, which at the end, he literally stood and started walking out while i was still asking questions i had every fucking right to ask about my body. i have never experienced this with a female doctor. and i'm pissed cuz i've never had hot water. ever. the male plummer in tight aqua blue ocean pacific shorts from late seventies comes by for the second time and claims i have scorging hot water. by murpheys law, it's the one time i had almost hot water and so the guy thinks i'm just a premenstral imaginitive woman. even tho every guest i've ever had over has complained about this. so i told the manager that he was being a thick dick about it and i didn't appreciate that. i had to justify i'd say fifty times to the plummer that i don't have hot water. he just wouldn't hear me.

i can't stand not being heard.
it's the top instantaneously piss me off gaurentee. he would not have treated a man like that.

so back to the doctors...
what he had to say in those rushed two minutes was that the tests could not dictate anything in either direction. so that can't rule out cancer. he wants another test, a thyroid scan. why was this not already done, fools. anyway, with this, they can rule out cancer if something lights up and then i'm not sure what they'll do. but if it doesn't, then they want to rip er out. i don't like the idea of loosing a major organ. particularly where it's lodged. then living on meds for life. at the age of 29.

of course, there is worse.

but i liked when this didn't exhist at all.

so here's the cherry, we can't even do the five minute test for two weeks because i had iodine from the biopsy.

thank god i went to that meditation. it really grounded me. i'm doing/feeling so much better.

ya know, i'm dramatic but not totally stressed about this. i don't control anything, it's already been decided, and i can't do anything. i don't know anything, so i'm putting it on the shelf until i have the information.

but if we come to discover the sucker has to get the boot, then we're gonna have one stormy hell party up in heyr.

one thing i do know, my appetite is enormous. and since i'm being balanced with work, i'm sitting for meals. a lot. when i'm manic and too busy i drop food and caffienate. which ruins me in so many other ways, but i love that slender, powerful feeling. no i feel soft and imperfect and quite vunerable. too maleable.

i'm ready tho. i'm ready for this broad and finite spiritual adventure.

the most amazing thing is that i've been learning how to let people in more. miracle. i need a lot of practice with this, to genuinely be able to join with a partner who will enter my space. mental, physical, financial...
otherwise i feel like i'm just taking another hostage.

(thx for all of your love and support. it's meant a lot to check in and it's so profound to love people out there. to actually have this rare chance to really love just you. we don't get to need/want anything, or "see" eachother. it's not one on one intimacy, but it's also so shear.)