2005-02-02 - 6:17 p.m.

i am feeling better. i'm not someone who should ever be over caffienated. i act like i've had a good couple of burns off the crack pipe.

good news, cat's back in town tonight and offered to come to apptment tomorrow. i refused. but it's nice to know she's in for the weekend.

i've been instructed to ask up front if it's bad news, then put my mom on speaker so that someone coherent can take notes and be with me. there's something sick inside that craves to cry hard over bad news. i'm too used to feeling bad. my system feels wired for it and i'm hell bent on a complete re-wiring. i want to allow myself the freedom of continuous happiness and stop sabotaging.

i have to tell you, i picked up the belts today and i was so proud. there has only been a rare few times i've been this proud. the time i met with a gallery owner and when i sold my first project this last year when i was in nyc. so this is the third. man they look so good and i've worked so fucking hard for this. i knocked down that door and i improved the product and made great embossed labels. i stayed on it. there's only been those three times i've ever stuck through something so thoroughly, caringly. and today, just for kicks i went to the boutique to walk around and research how things are displayed and if they would put up a designers info/press insert.

i'll let you in on it, but hush, it's barneys nyc and beverly hills. yar!!
and as i was opening gigantic glass and brass doors, i realized, "i've never even *been* into barney's."

what a trip! it's the coolest thing that's ever happened. i can't believe it. of course on the other side of that coin, i'm now feeling pressure to step up all on my work and re-do everything and make new pieces i can't afford and don't have time to learn how to do. but then again i taught myself illustrator and how to use a graphire in the 30 minutes i had to make the labels.

*that* is what a chilling dose of neurosis and an overactive thyroid gets you.

so i have 89 belts in my room and they were generated from the extra vinyl i had from my couch recovering project that i made into the shiftiest cuff you've ever seen. and now i'm on this whole adventure. the real balance is between making all the coolest things i want to and making a business that makes money. i have a feeling that i need to clarify and refine my business quick and bank on these good tidings.

deep breath.

besides the four bowls of cereal i ate out of hunger, i've done well with my good to me project for the day. now how do i let myself have more of these without wanting to destroy myself?

ps. i don't have any hot action happening right now. no one in the wings, no boy toys. rarely any flirtation even. nothing for v-day. i don't care too much. except on the days that i do. i just need to be here and enjoy and trust that i won't always be here. cuz when i'm not, and i'm in something serious and want to flirt my balls off, i will think back to these terribly free times that i have all to myself. not pregnancy, shared morgage or whatever else you joined people do :*).

the turk wants to have a date on v-day with me as its our first anniversary of when she picked up on me. haha. it's mostly tongue-in-cheek. but should be fun if we end up doing it.