2005-02-02 - 12:21 p.m.

hmmm. i'm having a feeling.

first the doctor said that results wouldn't be in for a week, then they call and say the dr. spoke with another dr. somehow and wants me in to tell me. so i have to go in person and honestly my heart is on rapid fire (could be the caffination currently coarsing through my veins) and i have a big, scared sobb waiting to burst, but my heart is moving to fast for it to really let 'er rip.

why does he want to see me in person? are you kidding me? why? i imagine if it was something easy then he'd jsut report over the telephone. so he's either a cocksucker who wants more dime and is dragging me in, making me take time off work to tell me a whole lotta'nada, or it isn't good. if it isn't good then there's probably more pain i get to endure. so this is stressful all of the sudden. i was comforted in not knowing. but now that i know i will know soon, i'm no longer comforted. and lizard is going out of town tonight and i don't want her to go.

how do i stay calm now tonight and tomorrow morning? anyone got a valium to fed ex me? with lizard gone and cat in nyc, i feel like i have no one to help anchor me. it is in these moments i really wish i had a guy to just sink away with tonight. just a movie and some brownies and snuggles is all i'm asking for. or reading and snuggles and warm cookies. and don j. is still as distant as ever. it's completely over in fact. but we are on good footing. but still. nothing there.

in other news, after my sunday night, i woke up useless monday, i still felt drunk by noon. monday night i went to bed at six pm!! g-sus.

in good news, i've finally cleaned and am doing so much better. i don't know where i disappeared off to. but i'd been there a while and am finally out. i feel the light. and am afraid to embrace it, as if in doing so, it might fall out of my grasp.

fuck. i honestly don't know how to feel okay with this health stuff. here i am working on a project which the particular part i'm on is about staying calm and i feel like i'm only an example in how to slip and slide your way into something vaguely resembling an imperfect sense of calm.

i think i'll just throw myself into my endless list of work and try to forget it all.

but - v - i've stayed true to the pact for today - i haven't eaten goofy, beaten myself up, had a drink or had sex. granted, it's only noon-thirty, but darling what progress. tonight will be the real test. see if i can now be gentle and give to myself instead of tapping out when i'm most anxious about the doctor fucking meeting tomorrow at 8.30 a.m.