2005-01-31 - 12:58 a.m.

hey kidlets
so tonight i was feeling frisky, thinking i don't want to chill on a sunday night. i want to mix it up.

next up i'm eating ethiopian with my close guy friend. hand spooning meat with honey wine. him telling me about hong kong.

then went to this friend of m's. brought the honey wine from ethiopia. i've had a sick crush on m's friend, which is bad form cuz i've dated two of m's friends. but his cat is killer. an adult with a job and is over 30. so fuckin cool and happy. this guy exudes joy. simple and humble and fantastic. but i never get a read on him. i don't know if he distances cuz of m's proximity to me, or if he's not interested. but it's a crush. god damn. i'd love to corner him and jsut flirt my arse off. he's so adorable.

then i went to this major major artists party down the street from my pad and i am bummed that i was late cuz it was too slowed down. the artist in question was even already passed out in his studio. so i never even met him. i just lost track of time. i really shouldn't drink and drive. cuz i drive rambunctiously and fast. and evervescently and as if tomorrow will never come and consequences are for someone named mary.

so now i am home and satisfied with my sunday night abhoring settled lifestyle and honoring the single spin. although the bday girl at the second party said she was sober for three years and she was so full. so present and so in her skin and so shining. and i was touched a bit. i felt like, wow i get it. i relate. and yet i'm distanced by this other thing i'm now enjoying. but she turned 40 and she looked sick, but not fake sick, just sick cool, sexy. powerful sick with this great guy draped around her. so poised. so celebrated. i'm proud of her. i wonder what she sensed from me. i know what that's like being sober when everyones drunk. it's easy to break it down and assess.

i had a great day. cruising. layed by my friends pool. hung with my friends kids. they are sad. have big gaps in their hearts. i tried to fill them and love and play with them. i had a lot of sugar today. i don't want to start monday tomorrow. but we all just keep living don't we. until we stop.

i wonder when my stop will be.

i have to say last night i hung with some frenchies,went to art things, shock. kissed my french friend goodbye on his big soft lips. and in the end i talked to this guy i've also had a long term crush on. he had had a girl before and now he doesn't. and the flattering thing was that he remembered so much about me and had said he hoped to see a lot more of me. how sweet. i'v e heard that he is a very genuine guy. i really liked talking to him. ;but he's had an increedible loss in the last few years and i could feel it from him. i could feel the space that was missing from within him. i could sense this small vacumous space. he seemed so sweet. i have this engulfing desire to love. even as a friend. i just want to heal and love and hold and salve it all.

it's the sweetest thing on earth, healing eachothers wounds, that others like us have caused.

that's it isn't it.

i can't have time any longer for hurt and for anger.
resentment. and for pain.

i just want to love. there are so many people that i love. and yes some of it feels so removed. or like a movie i'm watching in front of me, but not experiencing. like you friends that write in to me. i see it, but don't know how much i let it in. let it permeate me. i think lizard, and i think this last week with needles stuck so deep into my neck is the first time i've let love permeate in. felt compassion. walking the pysch ward.

i wouldn't trade it for the world and for the first time, i know, that if a bullet flew in front of my girl, i would jump in front of it. lizard has become the thread that keeps me here on days that the sun is covered with clouds. not in a dependent, entranced way. just in a way that is simple and protective. i would do anything to protect her. if anyone said anything slightly amiss, i would pounce.

but then what? i sometimes wonder how this story will end. liek there's always a begining, middle and end. so where is the end? does she die? do i? do we seperate? or will it be lavender and we'll have the grace of living a long, loving life by eachothers side, faithfully.

that's the magical part of life, it's a mystery.

cheers to the great mystery.