2005-02-09 - 11:05 a.m.

holy shit. i just had a rapid fire attack of nerves.

i don't think that's ever happened!

thank buddha i'm meditating tonight. wouldn't miss it for the world. hopefully i won't be disappointed, as i really need it.

the guy who is distributor for one of the most major local jewelry designers and has made millions-house-on-the-beach-in-malibu in the japanese market. the guy took my line sheets over to get some feedback. it's just where it should be. he told me that everyone really like the look of everything from my homemade packaging to the photography to the design. they are only interested in one small slice of my work that is the least developed. he wants me to immediately trademark the name in the japanese market, develop a whole line in this material and then they'll take it over to test it.

it's just that it's a real glimpse into how serious this could be, and for him to take me that seriously, to say, here's the door, it's nearly open, now show me your ready to walk through.

that on top of trying to through a whole launch party in a month and then i have this other idea in my mind in terms of marketing that i want to do and THEN i also want to learn this whole new material which is also difficult to be able to bring out soon because it is going to be hot.

so this on my mind at 10.30 am with a little coffee and something hits me. nautia. i never get nautia. then i puke whatever liquads were in me into the kitchen sink.

now i'm eating eggs and having more coffee.

that was pure nerves. unbelievable. i just want this so badly. this is my entire biggest dream since i was a little girl. yes, finding a great partner and spawning a child is on the short list...but for right now...this is it. this is so it. to the point that i don't want to date that guy i mentioned cuz it feels like nothing but a negative distraction. a courageless move to seek comfort and hide from these opportunities.

i've been doing so much better. my place is still clean, i've been sticking to my work schedule and making scary calls. i haven't been hiding. but lawd knows that if i don't open the inner valve and let some pressure out, it will burst out and i will be battered from it. that's the key, if i don't create breaks in my schedule, relaxation time, thinking free zone, then i collapse and run and hide into destructive behavior.

deeeep breath man.

i have soo much to do to keep building this. i have to prioritize and let go of my legendary, stealth nerosis regarding having TO DO IT ALL. having to take it all on, believing i can just fit it all in magically.

now behind this all, i still can barely pay bills and float. i still don't have barely any clients and that is freeking me out. i need to get on it. and then on top of that, another trade show is coming up and i'm wondering if i should apply again..but i don't think i'm ready. now i know what it takes and i think i really do need to develop a bit more.

deep breath.

deep breath.