2005-01-27 - 12:56 a.m.

so lizard and i cruised to an opening at the standard downtown and we ate, mingled, i ran into a slice of my past, met a new morsel in a suit from up state and i thought, we'll he's in a suit so he must be an adult. an adult at the ripe age of TWENTY FOUR.

puuleezz. what a doll though. add him to my collection. it's like a hobby.

then i drop off lizard and she asks me to call her and wake her for tomorrow and i say, what for, what are you doing tomorrow?

heey-rrrroo. she's taking me to the various torture chambers for my medical expiriments. the minute the reality collided with my elevated mood i felt a panic at the very base of me and rapidly shooting up. grabbing.

i'm just not comfortable with needles near necks.

i'm not comfortable with skin on the inside of my private *getting cut*. that just sounds like a sick and painful moment i won't easily forget.

a whole day of torment. and no inebriates.

i've been on the sharp edge of a panic attack realizing i don't have rent money, car, health insurance (of which i clearly need now). so i had to take this small line of credit of 3,000 which is nearly all but spent. i have money coming in, there's just no fricken telling when it'll arrive. i keep getting told in a few weeks.

i even made a call to an egg donation place to see about selling my potential babies. 5 g's. in dire straights people can sell their reproductive bits or their bodies.

i just don't want these solutions to be cyclical strategies. i want this to be extremely temperal. a tight phase. one that some day when all is cushy and i'm reeping the benefits of this hard work, i will say, wow, i can't believe i had to do all that, and i made it through. how amusing what i had to do. thank god it's not like that now. i do feel much better that i've solved the issue with the bank note. and the bank boys invited me to a party. what perks. they had great music and a surfboard in their bank. that's how we swing on the coast.

ya know, i always imagined myself to be the strong, meditating my way through difficulty type. the one that has so much calm and courage through physical trials. but i'm not. i don't know what i am. but we'll start with emotional. and we'll end with incredibly uncomfortable mixed in with a scosh dramatic. and i left a message on my dads work saying i had to tell him something about my health and that i might need to take out a loan and he hasn't called. that hurts a sick amount that after all this, he's still checked out to this degree. that he doesn't register what's going on or possibly care. that really hurts. it's the core. i already lambasted my mom for not seeming to care enough. cuz she laughed at first. laughed that i'd be scraped from each end. she said it was nervous laughter and she'd been on the phone all night freeking with our doctor friend. but whats up with my dad not even calling. thats it i'm leaving him a message at his work number. i'm fucking pissed. what the flying fuck.

i just left a message. told him i was hurt and that he says he wants to be in my life and claimed to be concerned about the health stuff. ya know i feel like i would have to actually get cancer (g forbid), to feel as if my parents give too fucking shits.

now *i know* they care in theory. but i had one silly ride for a childhood. so it is quite hard for me to buy it even years later, when they are put together, loving and supporting. i jsut had so much bad information pounded into me for too many years. but why do i waste my time reaffirming, seeking to reaffirm bad sensations. i wish i could just believe the best of people, believe that they are capable of caring for anything beyond themselves. i think often, even when someone loves another, it's cuz they feel an intense need for them. and it's about need/love, not honoring/love.

it's been a tough couple of weeks. i just feel likeif i'm not improving, then why bother living. if i'm not expanding, then i'm just passing time until i die and that is just an absurd herd mentality waste. there are just some things i've absolutely refused to grow past. i just keep using particular things to pound myself back into the ground, where i secretly think i belong.

besides that, i had a great evening.

lizard is picking me up in the morning on her one day off that she'll have in weeks. i got her a cucumber and chili popcicle to thank her. she likes extremely eccentric food treats. i literally don't know what i'll do with her tomorrow and i'm all but shocked that i haven't caused a fight with her to push her away right now through this. it must of just slipped my mind. i was too busy rustling up trouble with don j. and my mom. now i'm instigating my dad. i can't seem to give anyone the benefit of the doubt or leave room for them to be human, or at least explain themselves. i'm already accusing them of not loving me, deserting me. not being enough. i'm not enough. their not enough. no one can do anything perfectly and we're all damned to doom in my spinnerina.

pss. don j and i made up today. i actually was able to step outside my limited needs and see where he was coming from and to see that his limitations doesn't have to do with me. and that i pulled back and forth and then expected for him to support. whatever, but we did leave it on a mellow note. cozy. but i wouldn't tell him what was going on physically because i was in a thick moment of contented denial. and i didn't want to appease his curiousity or need to feel informed at the expense of my personal comfort in letting people in who have been erruptive. fuck that. the only people that know are you, lizard, cat and my immediate family by default. and really it's all just stress about the nothing that i know. i have nothing concrete to masticate on, only the dense and sticky fact that i don't a thing. and that's practically worse than knowing with all certainty. it's just this tense sensation subtly wrapping itself around my lungs and stomache and heart. like a person with downs sydrome who hugs too tight and for too long. it just won't let go of the grip.

everytime i think of lizard coming with me i start to cry. it's intolerable. i've never in my life had anyone do this for me. ever. i've barely had even a hostage like a boyfriend do it. i don't attract that kind of gguy and even if they try, i don't let them with in a five mile radius of me when i'm in need. i just don't think i can take the silence of it. those moments when i'll be quietly needing and she'll just be by my side. i don't know how in the world to do that. i don't know what i'm scared of more at this point. the needle, the cervex scraping and clipping, or the intimacy.

now if that doesn't just say it all.

maybe tomorrow i'll start meditating and handle everything with grace and courage. it's really all in the mind anyway, this elaborate dream of self perception i am having. i guess i can just choose to dream with ease no matter the actual circumstances.

the worst part is that even after all this i still won't know anything about anything for at least a week. or more. and then what? more tests to be sure. this is so odd. all don j. wanted to know was if it was an std. i guess we all just directly want to know if we will be effected. concerned with our own survival, for the large part, everything else is just a front.