2005-01-25 - 10:29 p.m.

i'm feeling much better after having had tortured my mom for the evening. i called her to tell her i didn't like her last several responses to various things in my life. and then i told her she screwed me up too much and i'm hopeless and nothing will ever change.

but now i feel better.

i've been in this dank funk. and i've spawned more bad feelings by adding to the barrel of sludge with gaurenteed actions to increase my feelings of crapness. like spontaneously getting drinks with smarty and staying over the night at his. yes. that would be old behavior i'm trying to curb.

other slices added to the barrel of feel bad: loads of sugar, oil soaked tortilla chips, refusing to do anything for my home cleaning efforts and letting my vehicle be mistaken for a one man recycling center, except nothing is ever recycled, merely stored for all eternity or until the mold is just too much to take.

on the down side....
i got news back about my rebellious thyroid and i have to now get a biopsy. yes i get to have a fucking sequence of needles stuck into my neck until they are satisfied that they've distressed me enough. so apperently there is cause for some concern. i have a nodule. they want to make sure it's not cancerous. i saw a word like calcification or something spelled just like it. i can't assume that's good, like i've had tons of calcium in my diet.

so i scheduled the damn thing on the same day of the cervex appointment. boys are you cringing? so in one day i'll be poked, scrapped, clipped and needle sucked on both ends. worked. worthy of a very large pan of brownies with confetti frosting. lizard is *insisting* on going. which furiates me and makes me cry everytime i think of it. i don't want her to come. at all. i don't want to make someone else sit through that on their one day off that they'll have in two weeks. it kills me that she will do this for me. i've never had someone like this and i hate it. somehow it's all more "controllable" if i just bear it all on my own.

don j. has cracked. he's pissed at me and completely done because i was hurt that he hasn't asked anything about my life. he thought i was selfish to mention this since his grandma is sick and failing and he's moving into his new incredibly expensive, paid for by his parents condo. yes don j. radical, i can't pay bills this month so very well. but it *must* be very very trying to choose which shade of paint and order all of those fifteen workers around. so he hates me now and it actually hurts. it feels like rejection. particularly on the heels of him helping my business and being so sweet and enthusiastic, then me laying everything aside to stand by him in his sadness and now he's just cutting it off so harshly. i just was looking for some support and gentleness back with what i've got on my plate. it's the only way he can break away. so it's convenient for him. he should do what is best for himself. but i wish he had more tact because today, when we talked, i was literally on my very edge.

then i fell off.

and spun around all day.

getting work done intermittenly.

the health and finance is overwhelming me out. i got denied for the second biz line of credit, they offered something so silly i could get something better from some ripe ass credit card. so i'm trying for the third and last go of it.

i've been killing myself to just get this one order out. and i'm down thinking of how others must churn this out so swiftly and i don't know why i get so hold up. i'm learned and experiencing growing pains on my bill. most may pay for school or intern, i'm interning and schooling myself here and paying slightly for it. it's just such a sick risk. which i fucking love. and it also *breaks* me. particularly since i've dropped all but two clients so i have no flow.

on the up side.....
last night a friend drug me off to the hide and sneak premiere. the movie was interesting. the event, borring. but check this out. this town gets so small as you grow into it. i just realized my old friend talent worked for the producer my friend knew. he had oodles of stories about him. and there was this other guy who is friends of the friend who took me and i knew i knew him somehow.

then it clicked. and he had no idea.
when i was very green and barely 21 he hit on me.

hard.

with his aging body and nice car.

puleeze, now that i'm of age, i guess he simply couldn't recall and wasn't terribly interested. pig.

also, this incredible guy up is helping to design my logo for free and he's so in it and he's helped me with some ideas when i really needed to bounce them off of someone. and i hardly know him and he's being so generous. and we don't live in the same city, so he's not trying to bed me down. he's just being cool. and that kind of madness just gives me so much hope. it inspires me to give as much as i can, to give as much in everything i do, beyond what is asked, give spontaneously, anonymously. just go for it, abundantly. because now that he's done this, i would do anything for him. when i have money, it's going to him. i will pass along lovely items, ladies, parties, whatever.

okay i'm tired. and unfiltrated.

wish me luck for thursday. i just want to take oodles of vicadin. is there a doctor in the house? would that be so bad? then i would cruise on some cloud. whats so wrong with that? or i suppose i can just tap into some sadist, masochist part of me and vibe on the pain.

stay tuned. does ineb have a cracker thyroid?

will she pass out when she see's a two foot needle inserted into her neck without any good opiates?

will she ever get her earrings back from smartys apartment?

will don j. ever speak to her again, will she ever feel ABLE to speak with him ever again?