2005-01-23 - 11:15 a.m.

v. i agree. i've always and am always thinking of the divide. the divide in confidence and sense of entitlement. the "reviving ophelia" slice where we hand ourselves over at the age of pre-teen to just disappear unnoticed. it bothers me too that so much of fine literature that went recognized was historically male. and that's in large part what i read too.
dh lawrence, henry miller, murakami, gabrielle garcia marquez, tom robbins, herman hesse, hell dostevesky.

but then there is toni morrison, joyce carol oats, my favorite anais nin, djuna barnes, Virginia Woolf, ayn ran....and i'd cut off the balls of the person who dared to call them chic-lit-ers.

i know the landscape right now is in large part "pink" and graced with a set of long chops. this is disappointing. what happened to those hard lit broads who penned classics. who are our ladies today?

really, i'd say it starts with belief and turning a def ear to all of the excuses that afraid people will flood artists with. the "it's impossible's," "too hard," "takes years." that can be said of any worthy profession. lawyer, professor, doctor, designer.

if you have a story in you to tell who are you not to share it. who are you to keep it nestled close inside where no one can warm from it. my friend told me that story of an oak tree that held its acorns (talents, gifts) tight. one day the acorns have to just drop, and he couldn't control where they'd land or how. but some planted seeds and grew new trees, and if the tree kept them to itself, then the world would be less for it and the tree would start to wither. we all need shedding, creating...stasis is death.

when i've been really into something, i put it in the womb for a while. i protect it with my very life. i don't talk about it openly, tell people, i just nurture and do it. because i am so sensitive and at the base i'm waiting for someone to robb me of it, or say just that harsh thing that would talk me out of it for a few more years. so when i really want something i protect it, let it cook, bake, grow strong before i wear it on my sleeve. then at that point i have to let the negativity or fears of others bounce off like marbles falling from their mouth and rolling away on the floor.

that's my ten cents.

right now i'm feeling this intense pressure regarding the great cultural check in. my college friend is getting married and their doing it really soon. this is the friend i'm still close to, the one i talked to about those other girls who were so cruel and she was in the middle. let's call my friend B. we've had a rocky road. she's said i'm the only one of value to her in that group. the one she feels an affinity. but i pushed her away for years cuz i was so hurt that she could stay close with such cruel people. and it was so awkward to be at all reminded of them. pictures of them at her house. the worst one would call when i was over visiting. that worst one is the soul person on this earth who i can say hurt me so badly, that i possibly hate her. i can't easily think of any other. not even some guy that harmed me. not even my republican side of the family. i give her too much power. i've given the past too much power.

honestly friends, (and yes v this is cathartic to share and feel heard. it's phenominal and so needed by me)...honestly, i've been secretly fearing B getting married for the last six years because i'd have to see them all again. no other time would i ever be forced into such discomfort. now some might be saying, don't go. but i don't want to hide. i don't want to be the one that was wrong and disappears myself. becuz i want to stand up for myself. i wasn't wrong, i never did anything wrong but protect myself and i won't disappear for them. to give them more power and all the comfort they want. i want to stand before them as i human reminder of their cruelty. because i won't pretend anymore. i won't pretned i'm comfortable with them, or that what they did was okay.

but i'm TERRIFIED.

and for all intensive purposes no one on earth could guess this. i've traveled the world alone, i shoot in the middle of the night alone in crack row, i've been in all sorts of circles of people without much fear at all from crack heads to millionaires. but this is my secret soar spot. the amputated leg that i pretend just doesn't exhist and never caused me pain. i'm so scared about the logistics. for 3.1/2 years in college we all were the group. i in fact put the girls together. then i left to study abroad and came back to such backstabbing then it just got horrific. they wouldn't even aknowledge me, i'd still be living with them, and i'd enter the room or party and they wouldn't even look at me. then there were things said. and i just hid. i jjust wanted it to go away and i wouldn't deal with it. then there were many other things like dating the guy i just dated behind my back, knowing who hit and run my car but not telling me....i was just a senitive truthful person. artistic and soft and protective as hell.

i've seen them before at a wedding right out of college and for some reason i blasted thro it. i just held my head and acted like nothing exhisted and rocked it. but i can't man. i can't pretend i like them, or that its cordial. so i don't know what to do.

and AND theres this new pressure. this brand new shit. this "on the eve of my 30th year" pressure of how you've made out. married? great boyfriend? house bought? car? what kind? job? all of these competitive details. and normally i might be able to temper these feelings, but not with the people i despise most and MOST IN THE WORLD want to prove something to. want to show them how great everything is. but then i'm still giving them all the power. the power to judge. the power over me. the need to impress. which inherently believes i'm not enough, that need.

my friend said, well, there's really only one solution, bring a celebrity as your guest. which i'm gassing over. that'd be killer. but the only one i know is don j's best friend and don j would be offended for life that i didn't want to just take him. but that would be so keen. fuck. i wonder if they'll all stay together in a hotel and catch up and leave me out or if they'll all have great partners and i'll feel lonely and idiotic. like i just don't have my shit together.

granted i've got a few sterling zingers to throw out there in terms of external "accomplishments" but it never feels enough. the gapping hole inside is swimming. sucking.

we have one mutual friend who will be there and is protective of me. so there is that island of solice. and she and B and a few others want to meet in big sur in feb for a girls time. that would great ease feelings but i also dont' think i can afford it.

so there you go. i'm freeking out about the externals, why i haven't bought a house, or can even afford a posh mirror. not even one piece of expensive furniture. i'm missing out in this rat race. this is the age that people start surviving and i feel like i'm just tredding water. and that is an enormous pressure on the creation of my business. enormous. this is probably causing more of the physical problems in me. this anxiety. acute. if i just created some career and climbed up some latter and had some great salary and title. maybe then it'd all feel okay and i'd feel cloaked, protected by it. right now i feel too vunerable.

i don't know if i'm supposed to take a date or not either. i'm being tortured.

(ps. thx blue for the note).