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2005-01-22 - 2:09 p.m. i just cannot shake this feeling of sadness. and i can't even explain why it is implanted in me in the first place. i just feel a heaviness in my cheast, climbing up my throat waiting patiently for a reason to surge forward in one throttling cry. i want to fall in love. i want to let someone *in*. i want to snuggle up, not because of need, but because of joy. i want to get to know someone elses many layers and cook with them and dance in the naked room in the middle of the night. i want to giggle and have food fights and sponteneaty and thoughts exchanged. i feel like i'm missing it all. like this essential moment of finding the partner is somehow passing me by. i was out to dinner with my older friend and this couple in from seattle. shes an artist that i encouraged to be in this friends gallery and now they are opening tonight. its odd to see a young married couple. to see partnership and collaboration. i myself am just finally getting out of a very long distracting phase. this is the first time i'm actually really open and nearly "ready". i'm finally starting to notice adults and flirt with them. then i quickly recoil with shyness. i lack the ability for follow through because...i'm afraid. i'm just so afraid to move into that stage that i'm seeing people around me do. that's why i've stayed on 23 yr old island for so long. i'm terrified and repulsed about giving up all of my freedoms to have kids. don't get me wrong, i eventually want one. and if you saw me with my little cousin you'd know the mother that is in me to be. but in a general sense it repulses me. terrifies me. i associate it with giving up my identity, freedom, confidence, career, sexuality, sponteneaty. i'm calmer now about the health issues. i went to radiology for my thyroid and i sneaked a peak and there was a few things written down. i will find out soon what it means. but i'm feeling comforted about the cervex stuff because so many women have dealt with troubles there and nothing happened. i have this wierd thing that happens to me. when i'm distanced from a man and there is no longer an ounce of bonding, then i can't recall the sex. i can barely recall if i had sex with them, more-less remember what it was like. once the strings are cut, they feel irreparably cut. god damn i feel so sad. why. i just worked out, flirted with an adult from philly. thought of grace, he talked about the eagles tomorrow. i will be cheesey for a moment, so excuse....but my therapist thinks that i just won't allow myself to be happy. that i'm used to caos and sadness. low grade depression. instability. so here, almost everything is okay in my life and i can't let it go. i can't kick back and enjoy. i use things in my life as reasons to suspend happiness. stave it off, like some dragon that will burn me alive. why? what i'm using now is my finances. it's freeking me out. i've cut back on clients and i have no income. and i am so sick of massage i can barely touch it and yet i have no plan b. meanwhile my business is incredible, but i can only grow it as much as i have time for, which is limited. it's not sustaining yet. so i use this anxiety as a low flying, consistent reason to quell joy. ease. because there are bills not paid. my manufacturer i need to pay. money i owe. reason enough. starting my own thing is such a wild risk. no paid vacations. no health plans. no retirement. only if *i* create them. and i actually love that feeling. the feeling of the game. the challenge. why am i feeling so lethargically low? i'm doing "well". staying on my projects. showing up completely for opportunities. socializing as per usual. is it really just that i had years of training, years of total unhappiness that has burned patterns into me, that i just can not seem to totally walk away from? or is some emotion genuinely coming up. something i shouldn't supress? yes there's the health. the finance. but what? i do what i can about it, then that is all i can do. worrying wont' solve. only light will. it was so nice talking to this couple. he's an organic farmer and she a photographer, daughter of a very well known doc-photographer. she insists on me being there with her. i loved talking about the world with them. conscious living. her and i had a lot in common. i need more women like her in my life. i thirst for it. conscious women who care about the world more than their hair. tonight i go to her opening with lizard. something very wierd is happening between lizard and i and i know she is completely unaware of it. i feel a distancing inside. she just pulls so much from me. needs so much reassurance of herself, her outfit, her choices. it's too much. and i enjoy being with people who have more flexibility. she goes to so many programs and has to run everything by someone. no real individuation inside. i had no idea this was so important to me. i just talked to don j. and its irritating cuz i was completely there for him and now he calls all better and i'm a little off color, feeling sad and he doesn't even ask why. he can't return the favor at all. i hate that. what a taker. what a complete selfish taker. he never is there for me. he doesn't have the strength or the bredth. i don't want to slip into this foul mood i'm leaning into. i want to retrain my brain and be strong and make change. but i also don't want to supress or push away something i may have to feel. this is why i'm always chasing the high. why i'm elated, i feel none of this. only this racing sensation, this pulse that is louder than any pressing, heavy thoughts. btw, my "drinking" has been more normal. when i care so much about work, i just focus more on that than that kind of escape. granted when i go out i still have 2-4. is that "normal"? i don't know what normal is. but i'm never chasing it so fiercely. just something that is added. it was very odd at first, finding a place for it and wondering if i could drink on wednesday night, alone. if that was wierd. if i could go without, knowing how good it can feel. knowing that i always succomb to impulses and immediate needs. but it's become more rythmic and not so questioned. i was just out of practice. i still think no one knows. i don't know if i'll ever be ready for their projections and reactions. when my mom and her man were in town we walked my hood, droppin in on all my spots and everyone we ran into (coffee shop family, building manager...) said, "we love ineb". i didn't know i was so loved. so much i don't even feel liked. i'm so out of touch. that's all they could say, repeatedly, how much they loved me. i was blown away and it made me shy, like i wanted to crawl back into this cove, this abaloney shell because that warmpth feels too unbearable. okay. i get it, i feel depressed cuz i'm terrifically overwhelmed. my day started with total enthusiasm for all i want to do today. a natural thrill for being in life. which then turns swiftly into a megalist of what i require myself to get done today, including: working out, making labels, sculpting, surfing, cleaning my entire place and my car, running my financials on biz and personal, prepping my next buyer hits, making this one piece, droppping it off, picking up from stylist, selling stuff to store and shopping, checking out a jeweler... breath. just breath. |
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