2005-01-17 - 12:22 p.m.

ooo. when it rains, it seems to pour on down upon my spongy already soaked body.

lizard and i made right with eachother, but not before putting in at least 45 min.s on the phone.

last night instead of being able to go to the golden globes (not like i had tickets) but a few of my friends did go, i took care of don j. his grandmother just had a near fatal stroke and they don't know what will happen. that is how my grandma past. we were incredibly tight. it hurts not to be able to share everything going on with work with her. she was the most proud of me than anyone in the world.

don j. did what i do when in a real fix, wanting someone there, then not wanting them near. i wasn't allowed to cuddle or do much really. he was fussy. but i understand and never said a thing, but offerings of comfort. i dreampt of being with his family and holding his family members hand as she cried.

i woke up and he shuffled me out early. by 11 i had already gone to three new wholesalers made oodles of calls and have solved some of my issues with this biggo' order i've mentioned. so that feels just keen.

the thing that really bothers me is my brother, heartbrokenly asking me if i'm drinking again. i said a hesitant no. i'm just not ready to unleash that issue on top of everything on the platter.

when don j asked whether i've received me health tests back, i merely brushed it off with, "no, it's complicated." i don't want to load more onto him or make it about me.

maybe its okay. my mom had something like this and she got it burned out of her and she's okay. i really feel like it's probably a surmountable issue and the choice i get to make while feeling myself with in a gorge of grey area, is how calm i want to react through it. theres definately a pull, a centrifugal force egging me into the thick emotion of the worst possible result. in truth it is a "result" that is already in my body whatever it is and i can't control that. i will only be let in on what my body has already decided. but theres this sensation of wanting to bring people into it, tell my male friend and plunge to the depths.

then theres this other part that wants to seeve it from me in a clean, clear slice. i want to exhist completely amnesic. i want to run, play and forget. i want to push people away and keep everything secret, under a dark velvet cloak like a sorcerer.

right now it's lifted from my throat, clenching, burning, and into my eyes, watering, flooding. it's palpatating on low levels constantly within me. subtly reminding me of something i can't quite taste, but feel slightly suffocated by.

on top of this, logistically, i think i'm getting my period soon, which makes it hard to test and i've gotten that cold/flu back.

my mom says to listen to the signs my body is telling me. she might be saying, slow down or we will ground this plane without notice. i don't do slow well. slow feels too similar to depressed. fast feels safe, nestling in constant movement.

i'm going to work a little, then try to go home and bed myself to get better. of course in truth, i'll work, get home, possibly work more. put on the last coat of my desk varnish, and clean and think to myself, "i should be working out. how long has it been. i should be making calls. i should be getting ahead." oh and i have to prep some pieces for several shoots this week and make this piece that has been silly late. embarrassing. and prep the package to go to japan. so there you go. that's my idea of relaxing, taking the afternoon off to get well.

but here's some fluffier low calorie updates.

i went to an hbo pre-globe party the other night and met a great business contact. i also met this insanely handsome and seemingly down to earth fella who might invite me to a work thing. lord how sweet that would be. and then i met this designer who is too cute for this world. it's too good to be true. i'm sure he's a player or a pretty boy. but i may trade pieces with him. i'm sure it's good for networking anyway.