2005-01-28 - 12:59 a.m.

v. you are right. i couldn't dig deep enough and ever come up with an ulterior motive for liz to show up and care. and my readers can't possibly want or get much from me, in terms of the traditional reasons people seek others. i think for the most part, people in this town, and many of my friends included, can only think about their own needs or survival and how each person fits into that. then of course there are the deeper bonds that transend.

so today. i get the scraping of the cervex. the dr. said, "oh you have the biopsy thyroid later, that you have to worry about, what we're doing here's nothing compared. that thing'll be horrible." fantastic.

they didn't find any problems so they didn't have to snip, just some major deep digging. but it looks like i don't have cervical cancer. 10.30a.m., one cancer down.

then liz and i go to ucla med center for the thyroid biopsy. and it's creepy. deep in the bowels of the cancer area where the biopsy's and ultrasounds take place. the dr. found that my nodule had calcification over it and they couldn't decide if they even wanted to chance "going in" because a needle usually can't get past this hard layer of rare calcification. but the farker decides to have a go. when this is first explained to me, it's said that the final needle that extracts the fluid will be in for seven seconds. i think, well hell i can take anything for seven darling seconds.

so the first needle hurts.

bad.

this is the first anethestic. then the second anethestic goes in deeper, i can feel it near the inner part of my throat. hurts.

then he goes in for the seven second kill which last's one entire minute of probbing, prodding and trying to outdo calcification with the needle like sword. at this point i'm staring at the ceiling, trying to deep breath with left over tears gently slowing down my face. lizard is next to me and i'm squeezing the fuck out of her fingers as she watches her bff with a needle lodging into her neck and an ultrasound machine depicting the entire episode. it really starts feeling uncomfortable, but i don't say, i just wnat him to get what he needs and get out. at first i starting thinking, i'm just a big chicken shit and i wanted to start sobbing.

the four things that kept me from falling apart was lizard, thinking and talking incessantly about my lill girl cousin/sister and thinking how i'm doing it for her, the deep breathing and focusing on relaxing my muscles, the idea that tension would only make the pain worse and i kept saying inside, i'm a ninja chick, a part of a huge network of strong ninja warriors.

finally he takes out the needle.
then he's actually got to go in *again*. for another seven second minute that lasts a lifetime.

i have to say, it was one of the more uncomfortable things i've ever done. lizard couldn't even believe i considered not having her there, and to tell you the truth i would of collapsed if she wasn't there. i would of felt so alone and terrified and ungrounded. we really do heal by our community.

and also i have to say...it has hurt like fuck off ever since. really hurt. i look like a disected frog with markings on my neck and it's a tiny bit black and blue. and it just hurts and makes me feel vunerable.

which didn't stop me from going out tonight.

darling please.

i went to the opening night of the artfair la. if anyone asked about the bandaid on my neck i would claim to be taking intravenious opiates in creative new places. great food, amazing art. mello all in all. had to hear lizard tell me off for having a drink, as i'm not supposed to have any blood thinners. you try not having a cosmopolitan after the day i've had. we're all just lucky i didn't have 8.

after the procedure lizard and i got lunch and then i had to jump in the car drive across town to find out that the label i sampled has to be redone. i just finished it now. i want a day to do nothing and a night to simply super vegge. but i know i'll never take it, cuz if i did, i would have nothing but time to think. and there isn't a thought in the world that could control the outcome of this thyroid at the moment. it either is or it isn't.

what's worse is that today while i was waiting for the first round of needles i found out my friend who has cancer is really sick. i want to ask her how she's done any of this physical stuff. she's taken her chemo then is out surfing the next day. but it's finally getting her. i don't know what to do. it's such a weight. i don't want to make her uncomfortable by having her have me see her the way she is. she's got a lot of pride and protection.

thank you everyone for your care and well wishes. i should know results on tuesday to find out what is next in this little adventure. if you are in good health, just take a moment to thank your body and promise her greeneries, quiet time, fresh water and stop smoking you cracka' head. :*)