2005-01-03 - 9:48 p.m.

sorry its been so long. i was at home for the holidays and i'm writing from my last night in costa rica.

can you believe, i'm all the way south in costa rica.

i'm in the most foul ass mood known to mankind. i haven't spoken a full sentance to another human all day.

it's been an odd trip. an odd family trip. i got into some trouble. last night i got into a gad of trouble and i can't remember waking up so poor inside. i also haven't slept. i go all the way to central america to find a bunch of new yorkers who run like the worst of them in LA. last night i shroomed for the first time in probably seven years. and it was incredible. the night was actually stunning. i always have sick times "during" its the after that crushes me.

i've been awful to my family today. the think i'm not speaking to them and they don't know why. it's just because i am so shut down right now. i woke up and they had gone fishing for the day and i was still in the mix, out of my gord, and so entirely lonely and sad and full of shame. all i could do to ground myself was to write lizard an eight page purgatory and purging letter as if i was speaking to her directly. i miss her so unbelievably. she is everything to me and there isn't a thing i couldn't tell her or anything i couldn't ask of her.

i'll catch you up later, but here's the skinny on the last two weeks:

*had a great buyer meeting.
*family drama ensued, i had to play ref between cousin/aunt. had to do additional damage control with another cousin who didn't get into a college she wanted to.

*found out the situation with my adopted step brother is hillarious and intricate and sicker than any screenwriter could come up with. possibly more on that later.

*haven't thought much of the current squeeze, except when i've imagined needing comfort or regularity.

*when i asked if my mom was either disappointed or shameful of my being a massuese she stood there and gave me the worst look of my life and said well this is true. and it horrified me to hear that she isn't prowd. that i'm not enough. that if i were to stay a massuese it wouldn't be enough for her and her incredibly cruel side of the family. i still haven't deal with this, becuz what can i do? i'm pissed, hurt, but she has a right to be a cruel headed surface level meany and i guess i'd rather her be honest than sense a pound of lies.

*costa, first days interesting, discovered some heavy old stuff with my dad that i hadn't been reminded of in years. i had to deal and i pulled way back, till my brother arrived and we had a heart to heart.

*jumped in the car wiht people i didn't know on impulse to go surfing down the coast of rica. half way there on a dirt road i decided to re-evaluate my sense of adventure someday and not hop with utter strangers.

these strangers are the new yorkers. they put pompous to shame. serious unbelievably closed human beings. impenetratable. and i don't slum, i've got a nice life, but they could care the less to ask me one single question about myself. but i met this guy that was with them, luckily he's only friends with one of them. we partied at their sick pad overlooking the ocean for new years. right beneath my brothers nose i proceeded to get right and shitty. he did a little blow. i luckily saved myself that trouble and stuck to libations. i made out wiht the guy and crush ensued.

come on. of course.

last night he picked me up and we shroomed and drank and then had sex. and that's the part thats the trouble of course. it's the same old, i couldn't decide, i couldn't pick caring about me more, so i fell to temptation and ended up crushing myself. it's a longer story than this. i'll type it later. but it was heavy. it landed down on my nice and heavy, where i couldn't breath and couldn't speak all day today. i just can't seem to care about myself. i just can't seem to stop wanting to hurt myself a bit. to feel this rebellion. this burning.

tonight, a bit more of tylenol codine, i already had two drinks before our drive and now to bed. i haven't slept in say 24,48? hours? tomorrow the plan if i so choose is to take the other two codine pals and slam something warm on the plane to make it through this long travel day of hell with my family.

ya know, i probably would of just written on the plane and relaxed, but i now am on the sleep walking, put myself out moment because of what i chose last night. i want to just sleep it off, long and hard. i can't be gentle. i don't know gentle. all i seem to know is extreme. in almost everything i do.

it just seems this way now, it also was incredible. but i'm writing to you today, after no sleep and some bad feelings.

and to top it, i check my email and my old college bff who is still linked to those cruel girls wrote an impersonal email to us all that she is now engaged. there is just no space in my brain to handle that she is the first person i now know in my age range to take the plunge. i feel like the walls are closing in on me. i feel like i'm doing it all wrong. i can't seem to take it seriously and meet anyone regular. the guy in costa was far far from regular. entirely dynamic, unbelievably looking, fantastically interesting, traveled, confident, tender...and it's all wrong. totally wrong.

enough about me, how are you?