2004-12-21 - 1:53 p.m.

last night when i wrote that i was actually buzzed. i had felt like i didn't want to drink, or need to, but i felt this sensation of, "but i can". i think i just wanted to burn it out a bit. owning the right to be able to. so yeah i had 3/4's of a bottle of red. it's funny to see what i wrote and that i believe it is a bit coherant. just long.

so heres the skinny of it: i sleep finally at four a.m. and get up exactly 3.5 hours later at 7.30, still buzzed i'm sure and shuffle to planned parenthood to wait for an hour. while waiting more in the dr.s room this dr. and patient were in an arguement, get this, over whether there is a "wart" to remove on her vagina. she claimed that there was something to remove and the dr. said i don't care if you don't like the way your vagina looks your look obssessed, but there is no wart and i can't graff raw skin. it was hilarious. that is if you weren't entirely over come by nautia. they seriously got into it. i was prayed that that woman would not be my freekin doctor. first of all i don't want the hands that touched the mystery situation on another womans situation touching me. and i didn't want to hear this doctor unload on me about the other patient, no matter how stripper she is. god, i've never thought to much about the cosmotology of my sneeter. good lord, now i'm curious how it fairs.

thank mary and joseph that my doctor was this sweet, terribly efficient female warrior/pioneer who is in it to win it. it's nice to know there are a few who really believe in what they do and will fly low beneath the juggernaut administration's radar that is trying and succeeding in striping away every modern right we've burnt so many good, cute, lacy bra's over. man. it becomes real when you are in an overloaded waiting room full of sisters who i can love by just a glance and to know they also can't afford great health care, and also have to panic about losing this essential service. what would we do if my little girl got pregnant (my sister/cousin). would i have to drive her to mexico and how they cleaned the tools. or fear she'd go to some shoddy shop. i know of someone whose uterous is ruined from the scraping of an abortion. thank god i've never had that. which actually makes me superbly frightened becuz i'm convinced that i can't get pregnant after all of the unsafe sex i've had. i wonder if that's true. if i have some disease that prevents. if one of my greatest dreams is impossible.

so it gets worse.

the doc does her thing in under five, feels at my lymp nodes glands next to my throat and says one is inflamed or there is something on it....oh fuck...my heart is racing,,,cuz now i'm remembering how my throat has subtly hurt for months. and she said i need to see a specialist. the worst is that its cancer. and so that's just not good.

then we go in another room and draw blood. i'm doing my mediation, chill breathing and right after i feel nautious beyond my control of talking myself through it, beyond concentrating on her words, dizzy, nautious.

all the sudden i'm in my bed in a deep unpermeable sleep, dreaming. i just barely remember the dream, but it was thick, gooey and lasting. like molassis. and then someones trying to wake me, fuck off man, i need the sleep and there's this smell and i wake up shocked, where am i. i'm pounding my hand down trying by force to understand, to come back into the room. the smell, why is she forcing me to smell. i completely had lost consciousness for long enough for nurse #1 to panic call number 2, number 2 look everywhere for smelly stuff and then beg my senses to come to.

it was scary and fantastic. do you kill brain cells when that happens? is it just a sleep? that had never happened to me. i have a pretty unbelieveable constitution. i have had three times the amount of blood taken and not a peep. i think it was the sleeplessness, no food, booze, the genital wart fight oh and being told i might have cancer. the doctor asked if i was particularly stressed out and i couldn't recall that i was. denial is a sixth sense that overrides all others. they made me stay for a while and the doctor stayed and did blood pressure and stuff. i practically begged to leave because i felt so horrible for doing that to them. i kept appologizing like an insane girl who feels that its unforgiveable for me to even be here. i really don't like to see other women do that. but there i went. white as a ghost for a while.

i called lizard and cried. again. jesus shit, can my body even produce this much saline?

i started to have those, what am i doing, sensations. where am i going with this. like anything, i just need to steer this new adventure back into balance. i've done it before and i need to just be gentle and consistent.

yeah, ya know, i'm a bit nervous about this throat thing. let's all just sit through it eh? we'll check it out. and i'll try not to cry too much. i think i need to join a buddhists group so i can get with uber acceptance at the utter impermanence of this life. we don't own it, control it, merely reside in it temporarily.

don j. came over and brought me a new pair of shoes that had been stolen. we ate tuna melts and looked at highschool pix where i was chunky and unstylish.

something odd i note is that when i'm a bit tired or broken down people are so much more fluid and kind. i think it's cuz the sheer strength and persistency of my energy isn't bulling them over. then i just become maliable and soft and receptive becuz i can do nothing else as i'm on the floor. the guys at the deli counter, the women at pp - incredibly kind.

well shit now. everyones in a bit of a spin on my new pending throat cancer. ya know it is unbelieveably swollen. it's insane not to notice these elemental places on my body. it's not like i really explore the landscape of my body. quote of the day from the doctor, "i want you feeling your boobs constantly." my mom's calling all of our dr friends and well this is just strange. it feel surreal cuz i still haven't caught up on my sleep, so i feel as if i'm out of my body completely, hoovering just above. hell, maybe i'm already dead and this is dead life. my soul can't escape going through with the rhythm.

i love the dialogue that goes on in dl.

so n. thank you very much for the compliments. it doesn't fall on def ears as i really need to hear that. honestly, this aspect was supressed for so long. i was encouraged to be the cute girl, to maybe be in pictures or something and my writing was completely, sometimes forcefully stuffed back down my throat. it was all i ever had. it's one of the things that is at the essense of me, at my truest self. the piece of the self i can love the most. but it's been a long time coming to see myself as an intelligent person, as that wasn't what i was slotted for in life, that wasn't my space on the eternal shelf. but when the bubbles of excitement burst to the top, it's always in the form of words shaping effervescent thoughts that completely turn me on.

how poignant and conscious to recognize that she may sustain magnitism due to her thirst of the unattainable and rather than by who ou are. shit of course that is a dose of bad salt. it killed me when i felt that CONSTANTLY with ben. search back into my journal, the entire drama is there (i might of stored some accidentally, have to check).

i was always tap dancing to keep ben lit up and focusing that light on me. i danced hard n.

from that i've decided not to dance for anyone ever again. in fact i lay out the flaws early in the night just to make sure they aren't falling for a fantasy, so that they can recognize a real person.

but that was my trip. tap dancing because i felt there just wasn't enough here to keep someone. even if they didn't require it. in fact recently with M, that's what happened. he's a tap dancer too and we both did it and it was like two pieces of rubber, we both wanted to bounce, but no one could stick. odd.

of course her holding on to this illusion of being just far off enough is *her* issue. wouldn't it be great to get naked with someone and they just don't fuckin leave??? someone is there to do that.

this has been one of my most core lessons and it's unfolded within me recently. it's in the package of the young guy who just isn't in the place to stay in the room. and then i get to tap dance and believe/get reaffirmed that i'm not enough to keep them in. i'd analyze w/ a friend how i could say something or not say something to scare them off,,,and finally my bff cut it up and got real and stop that girl girl schemeing that some ladies love to do... and she said ya know ineb, if its the guy, and the guy is ready there just isn't something you could possibly say to make them leave. it always felt like a butterfly landing on my skin, if i did it just wrong, they'd fly.

so now i've dropped the two last vestiges of this cycle in the last two crushes, M and smarty. hard to let go of cuz they are both fucking amazing catches. men i'd want to tap the fuck dance for. but i wanted this growth more than the fantasy that they would convert.

when i think of someones readiness, i think of it like french class. if i'm ready, and am fluent, i expect they could be. when they just have never spoken french, it has nothing to do with me, it's where they are at, where their skill set lays. they need dozens, months of lessons and maybe they don't want to learn french. so what i wait for their grammar to improve? why when in the room there are others who are not only fluent but know even more adjectives and can teach me expansion. but that would be threatening to me. challenging. possibly out of control. but i can't personalize or blame someone for where they are at, they simply can't just instantaneously speak french cuz i love them and want to converse.

i hope i didn't just kill it with that drawn out metaphor.

so really man, pls, don't dance harder. don't chase those babies. i always say to my ladies, that if they want to game to get the man, then they will have to keep up the game to keep the man. and we'll always wonder, are they here cuz they like *me* or cuz i'm manipulating them into a fit of desire and chase. i love to own someone like that and play. i'm not going to lie, it's a maladaptive function i learned to navigate away from hurt. but it's not honest, and it doesn't ever attract a true, ready, whole person who just doesn't leave the room.

our work? to know that their inability doesn't mean we are not enough. viseral. for me, it's shattering. shit. shattering. i kept asking my x who broke my heart if it was because i was too broken of a person. talk about sad. (you can see, right when i started this diary is after he broke my heart in a thousand lill pieces the very weekend my dad flew 1tho miles to meet him. yeah.)

all of that said...we are a species attracted to those who don't just lay down and give it all up. but in a healthy teaming it sounds less like manipulation, playing to peak interest into a climactic fury, and more like...
i am so fufilled and into my life, that i can only give this much at this point and more possibly later. having life is attractive. fullness. light. energy. passion. burning. that's killer. when i see someones strength like that, it's sexy.

ooo do i get the "get tough and become the asshole player ..who never gets hurt". yes, i do believe i've been in this stalled evolutionary stage for several years and i haven't dwelved deeper into any real progress, truth or love by this theory. ... and i've still managed to feel some hurt. it's a very attractive james dean tough illusion. those far off, unattainable, are also usually so turned inwards that they can't connect outwards. and god damn i want to *connect*. the great spirit lies in the sparks that occur between two beings connecting.

that's what worries me about drinking. i feel padded. blanketed. quieted. i'm usually hyper sensitive, connected. HERE. todays episode about the wart arguement, loss of consciousness, would have tickled me pink. and yet i could barely spring a thing. what a trade off man. it makes me sad. i want both. i want it all.

as don j. broke it down, "so let me get this clear, you won't be in this unless you get to feel close and get all of the benefits of a relationship, and yet you want to date and do what you want."

"yes. that is correct. is that wrong?"

i'm in a predicament cuz he doesn't see himself "marrying" for at least five years. normal for 25 in this city. in fact, highly recommended. but we are wanting to slip away. but why why why would i let myself sink into this, when i know i'll have to pull out at some waking point. ya know, that whole drama is just the latest spin on me being able to have a foot in and a foot out. staying with him keeps me far from avail to truly giving a lnew lesson a chance. so my foot is out the door on that opportunity, as well as being out on him, cuz it's clear i'll have to leave once woken. fucked.

back to you.

why do you think she feels threatened by love? something from her past, something packed in her bags?

well i think it's always fun to do attention deficit dating, spreading the love around a few i'm dating so that not a single one can threated love in totality. but then, i'm never really open to any one person who may be able to offer love.

what does it take for me? well. healing possibly. i'm just now realizing all of my patterns and i'm trying like hell to machede new paths for myself in this jungle of love. i'm always up for a challenge tho. i'm beginning to be ready to believe that someone will just want to stay in the room with me, so i won't have this sick compulsion to push them out with a force unnatural to mankind. if i push them hard and they stumble out, then i can say, see i knew they'd leave. and it's perpetuating that core disappointment, those core beliefs i felt with my moms hatred of me and my dads abandonment. woo is me sweat pea.

i love grrandmothers, bless that you still have one. mine was one of my best gfriends.

i totally *get* this, "i don't want to tease anymore..i have this deep desire to stop playing and just love." i often feel incredible waves of this.

why wouldn't a woman look 3 times? i'm dense, don't get it.

well shit, i'm taking myself and my new throat cyst out to a party with lizard, she's kinda draggin me, but i've got her back man. she's one of the first people in life that i think of *genuinely* before myself. we can all say that, but really. do we? with her i can cuz i care so deeply. and she sticks by me through all my folly. so tonight we're getting into some folly for her (w/ her x).

i'm exhausted, already on empty so this should be interesting. also just another opportunity to dance with the demon.

v. u are so rad. yeah, n. get a dl diary, it's fantastic!!