2004-12-21 - 3:30 a.m.

n - i have more for you later when i'm more coherant and it is not 3.30 in the morning.

i'm straight pissed cuz i have to get up for an 8 a.m. gynological exam. yes. all of my male readers are currently cringing to be sure.

i spent the day drowning in emotion. (i think i have a bit more hormones at this moment of the month.) i had a very drawn out argument with don j. and we once again discussed how our situation can lead no where and explored whether that means that we should drop it now. there seems to be no answer. we both truly can't let go and in all honesty it's not like i'm ready to meet and greet that perfect adult male and be ready to coagulate together and make babies. so i'm not sure it's bad to "waste time" with some one who i thoroughly enjoy and is terribly good to me. mostly.

i'm having anxiety about a manufacturer i work with pulling out. and she has my original stuff, so that would be bad. she and i just can't seem to communicate - one of us has to be on some sort of chemical and i believe it's not me.

i'm a bit ghetto poor this year, so i have to give a good portion of my custom goregous samples away as gifts to pass AS a regular commercially sound human being. also to be frank, i feel entirely re-=evaluated since this new regime and war has reeked such havok. it's jolted me out of some comfortable lethargy and has forced me to look at our cultural tendancies. in other words, fuck consumerism. fuck the pressure to run to a plasticified mega-store and purchase, purchase, purchase! to make those on my list know i heart them. fuck contributing to this gargantuan mess. so i'm giving pieces i've made. i just feel like i'm cheating as there's been no thought to it. i'm just picking various colors i think they'll like and wrapping the suckers up. i'm so very uncommitted to this xmas.

which is extrodinarily unusual. i'm usually siked to the skys. i'm usually shopped out by turkey day and i have compulsively cute gifts wrapped underneath my decorated palm tree. i have funny gifts, irreverant, nonsensical gifts, poinant gifts ready to rip. now i have nothing but what i have the time and money to eek out for. where have i been? how'd this sneek up on me so fucking swiftly.

for those i really love, i'm also giving a letter as a gift. a heart felt letter. i'm just so ill with our way of exhisting within the florescent ceilings of walmart and target and need i go on.

live simply
and
simply live

it's wild, since my family uber cut my ass off even seemingly in emergencies, i've been truly okay. beyond even my greatest suspicions of not being able to make it. this month and next i didn't have a plan and somehow i'm making it without taking a loan. it's amazing. my new business has really helped. but i have to really knock down doors to make that happen monthly. consistently.

i found out about the SICK amounts of money don j.s bff makes. he's a tv star and i had no fucking clue. millionaire a couple of times over. and he drives a 1998 chill out vehicle. random man. do you know what i'd be doing with that mutha fuckin green? let's take a moment to indulge shall we:

1. i'd send my best girl p to college and pay for the entire way.

2. i'd send my mom and her man on a trip of their choosing for two weeks w/ bonus cash to play with. and i'd do the same for dad and his lady.

3. i'd buy a sick loft space in la and ny. i'd go spa it for a week and i'd ride horses at some point.

4. i'd start a world wide foundation of seed money for women who have dreams without financial wings. i'd travel the world funding their businesses, inspirations and creations. i set fire to silent hopes and help them fly. all in an anonymous, you owe me nothing type of way, i just want to see it done. i'd want to see women who work as hard as me have an angel behind them.

5. i'd take lizard and i shopping till we dropped and then fly her and i on a trip.

6. i'd travel somewhere fantastic and a bit secluded to write for hours on end and then go to town and dance all night.

7. i'd get a massage twice a week.

8. i'd tip big.

i guess that sums it up. no matter where we are, or how padded we are with money, we are still suck in the prisons of each of our own minds. even money can't save us from the reverberating walls of our cabeza.

i don't know why i've distanced myself from the holiday ramp up. i'm totally indifferent. maybe because for the first year ever i'm totally fufilled by work and don't particularly want to be teared away.

i fly home to xmas in the snow. then my dad has had the great kindness to fly him, his woman, her child, me and my bro to costa rica for a week. how fucking odd. really now. i haven't been on a vaca with my dad since highschool and even then it wasn't particularly smooth sailing. always riveting, but never a calm journey. it's horrible becuz i'm not even looking forward to it. i'm really looking forward to just being home and being with my lunatic family. particularly my lill girl cousins who i love more than life itself and protect more than anything exhisting and am hooking up with crazy samples from my line. i can't figure why i'm so blase about costa rica. i used to be so over the top about foreign travel. hell any travel. even to wacos texas, which i have spent a week in.

i think it's that i feel hesitant to be torn from my life right now. i feel so spun in the wheels of it. i don't want to stop working and yet i do understand that the sikey needs respite. and i do steel time away in my own numbing fashion here, but i feel wierd about being so far. and guilty about taking the time and luxury. GUILT OWNS MY ASS. bought. sold. and slaughtered.

okay i'm completely rebelling against my eight in the fucking morning appointment to have cold metal piece shoved up my whoo-haa and then have blood drawn by the incision of a painful, sleek needle passing through the tenderness of my quiet skin.

lizard is the best in the west. she offered to get up at the crack and actually go with me to my appointment. that's exceedingly cool. yes i am a bit nervy - considering the amount of unprotected sex i've had cuz i couldn't care about myself enough to do it any differently. another method of mass self punishment.

i hate to look at this and face it and be responsible. i'm afraid of results. ignorance is bliss. but i don't like putting others in jeopardy. it'll be good to take charge of this. just entirely painful as it's 4 in the fucking morning now and i wake in 3.5 hours to go. exhaustion might be good to put my thinking out of its misery.

okay senores and senoritas. i bid you farewell for the moment. hope this semi=lucid note greets you with a smile, or at least some perplexing new thoughts singing your synapses.