2004-12-20 - 2:05 p.m.

i'm feeling really tired. last night after i wrote, i read a half page in my book and then slept. hard. oh after i ate a bowl of grapenuts. in bed.

i slept for 13 hours. and now i feel unbelievably crabby and unwilling to participate in this life. i have to clean my place and do bills and all of the shit we just love to do in life.

and i feel really irritated with don j. right now. he's just so fucking young sometimes and not very chivaralis. i know i slaughtered the spelling on that one. he has to drop off my stuff from the party and i just know i'm going to have to bite my tongue off in order to be kind and complascent. first of all, i'm not happy with my dirty apartment or my day, so i feel itchy and scratchy to make it about him. second i have a ligit irritation with him.

see, we are in the beginning of our thing and he isn't courting me much. he insists that we split bills which i fuckin abhor and think is ungodly tacky for me in relationships. i don't mind paying sometimes, but don't split. every olderish man i've dated insists on paying for everything in the beginning, when we develop more into a partnership then it shifts as per income. which i like, cuz i like carrying my own weight. but i don't like it imposed on me the way i feel it is with don j. he "took me out" to breakfast then wanted to split, which i said no, so he said, fine then it's your turn cuz he bought chinese the night before, which i didn't even eat! what the fuck. i dispise dating young right now. and it really fucks me off and i want to cut my losses right now and get out. i mean what the fuck am i doing, he's shorter, he spends too much time in beverly hills for my kind, and now this.

i really am just feeling down becuz i feel like i submerged myself too much in it and now i'm feeling myself suffocated. i felt so close so i kept saying really idiotic crap like, 'are you fallin in love?' i'm embarrassed to admit it here. it's just that in the moment i experience a melting in. and i feel like i lose some pieces of healthy distinctions about myself.

ooo i feel so mad at myself. here's the problem, when i get like this then i like to get violently punishing of myself and i start to really throw myself down. i don't easily just dust off my mistakes and stand back up. i think i'm due some slapping around, so i make sure i'm left with black and blues all over. and right now it's lethal cuz i have a brand new weapon with drinking upon which i can tear myself to shreds and then be left feeling worse about myself. almost irreparable. i just feel like i don't deserve forgiveness. gentleness. acceptance. i mean here it is, 2pm and i haven't gotten anything worthy done. so i judge myself. i haven't cleaned, done the bills. only free writing to pour some of this poisen out of me.

i just have this wall inside that bars me from ultimate goodness.

i don't know how to believe i'm not a horrible human being for just being here. i just feel it in my gut and in a clenching of my jaw and in the tightness of my throat, it's this anger that i want to lash out onto myself. beat myself.

does anyone relate to this? i know my brother does. his trip is cheating on someone he's developing something good with. he always goes back to this same girl he's been in with for seven years. then he feels horrid and gets to tear himself apart and spiral down and negate the happiness that was drawing near. we both have our little patterns of continuing the caos we that is ingrained within us. when i was little a slap was not normal but somehow it managed to land on my skin. with my dad sometimes it was specific, but with my mom it was deep and intricate. we would fight, i was the valve that relieved for her all of the hate she felt for herself. i was the sounding board upon which she threw her poisen out and felt released of it. and then felt worse about herself and terribly out of control. she would pull over and ask me to just get out of the car on some street. and at our worst we found ourselves tearing at eachother on her bed in a physical fight. i became a fighter. my spirit felt unbreakable, angry, rebellious. i fought really hard. now i've turned it all inward, it used to be so much worse, i was dying beneath my own pounding fist through bulemia and abuse of alcohol and total isolation. see how does soemone normal like don j. possibly comprehend or hold this. he just can't. it's too heavy it would break his delicate back. my back now is unbreakable becuz it is strong from the years of pounding. it really was bad. for so long. its amazing to me that i've even come this far. that i have friendships. i feel so withdrawn right now. so subdued to the tangles of humans. i just remember the feeling of entrapment in that house i grew up in. suffocation. i couldn't wait to leave. how can someone understand these scribbled lines? i don't want to hide what i went through for the ease of another. i don't want to be made to feel shameful of it. it just exhisted and there was nothing i could do about it. but i guess someone could just decide that the damages left are too great. like a storm that passed through a house not worth repairing. i hate when i hear a guy describe an x as someone with a lot of issues, baggage. i think we have a generation of women who have had a lot on their shoulders. it is in my generation specifically that has been expected to really have a career and yet hasn't had tons of women before them to show how it can be done. i'm expected to make rent, and yet that's not the example that was set by any of my aunts of my mom.

i'm mad at myself for taking the time to write so much this morning and yet it is all that keeps me sane and grounds me. helps push me through some fierce lessons.

i don't want to take this out on don j. that is another form of spiralling down.

the only light here, is that i'm conscious that this is just a hard time. that i'm somehow choosing to make it harder and that i can also choose to let up and let some light in. that i may be able to stop punishing myself. even tho i feel so committed to it. i feel like i signed the papers and i have to go through to the end. i particularly have been anorexic with the creative project. becuz that is the very thing that was entirely erased when i was little. it was passed over. it was shoved away. and now i can't carve out time to do it, even tho i'm paid for it. i can't give myself that cuz its too big an act of generousity and love and forgiveness.

i'm going to try to just know that this is a difficult transition and some emotions are coming up and that its challenging not to beat myself up. i want to just concentrate on being gentle and put my face to the pavement and work on the apartment and bills and do some work so that i can feel some esteem. just force myself to do some good so i can shift myself back into that good space i was in.