2004-12-19 - 10:26 p.m.

i have so much to say. so much on my mind tempered by exhaustion and a bit of numbness. i feel sad. this god damn loving stuff is so hard. how can i live with this wall around my heart. and yet how can i survive without it.

i feel so inarticulate. does alcohol turn your brain to jelly? i picture it floated right now in a cabeza full of toxic goo. bright green. i'm feeling really wierd about the alcohol. i'm just going to be honest here. becuz there is no one besides lizard i can talk to about this.

my therapist thought it wise that i have a plan, like how i want to treat myself better in regards to sex. like how i've put myself on a work schedule so i'm not floating and insane. the plan, 2 nights i can drink 2 drinks. i expressed to her a fear of don j. judging my drinking and she said how can he if your only drinking 2. of course deep inside i guess i know that's not how i'm really planning on drinking just at the moment. it's all so strange to live one way for so many years and now everything is flipped. and it also feels completely normal and fitting within the confines of me.

fri night. i drank several drinks. several half drinks. i'm so out of practice that on my last drink when i didn't know what to order, i choose a shirly temple with vodka. it was too strong. all of the drinks taste too strong. but i managed to get myself drunk and extremely crabby. i was tee-ed off that don j. didn't invite me to a party. but i also couldn't invite him to my fashion party. i met juliette lewis and i have a crush on her. also the current illigitimate presidents daughter was at the second bar and it put me in the foulest mood imaginable. how the fuck dare she even step foot in my city. fucking coke whore. i ignited an elongated arguement with don j and it felt like i regressed into myself during highschool and i couldn't stop. it's as if the booze just took me. i know i don't fully act like that when i don't drink.

the next night was the party my girl and i threw and it was mad. it was packed the entire time and it was extremely fun. i drank quietly under the noses of some friends who are sober and i'm not ready to tell them. i can't believe they couldn't tell. i guess i'm just always so wild, so there's almost no difference. it was so much fun. i had this feeling of wanting the night to last forever. the feeling was incredible. when i'm not drinking there is a clarity to the joy, but when i am drinking, there is just this sinking, sandquick, surrounding joy that takes over everything about me. elevates. eliviates. don j was a champ helping me all day and night and cleaned the next day. someone took my phone, shoes and t-shirt. i lost my shirt on this party. i'm out some more green. it was fun becuz don j. was drunker than i, and he's a fun drunk. so we just played the entire time. we had incredibly vocal, dirty sex at home. after the bubble bath i took, with him sitting outside the tube watching as i held my favorite bottle of red hostage, in the water with me. when that was done i made sure to get the rest of the bottle of white.

how do normal people *not* want to chase the incredibly good feeling. that's what i don't get. there's this loosing, creshendo-ing. how do you just stop before the buzz. or stop at the buzz and let it float away?

it's hard for me to find my way. all of my friends drank that much or more. successful screen writers, stylists, artists, and why do i have to be more controlled than that. whats wrong with a little calculated uncontrollability? i see them and i can't see why i should only have two. and i wonder if i can just do this during this transition as i see it. the transition into normal, adult drinking. the kind that you treat it like fine cheese, you enjoy it now and then, but it's never a centerpiece to your life. i think i'm just new at this and excited to have it again and i'm over zealous, i'm just nervous that this zealousness will help to form a habit. becuz tonight, i should be hung over, i'm not. i worked on three clients and cleaned our party venue. and i want to get a bottle of red and a movie and just have a few glasses. i don't know if i'm going to be able to not want to forget myself. hide her ever so delicately. take myself away.

i really like myself sober. i really like my presense of mind, most of the time body, and soul. i like the mad creative energy i have because it isn't diffused. i like the challenge of having to be in my skin and owning it. being one of the few people in the room who does that out socially.

but right now i have to say i love joining in. i fucking love it. all those years of feeling so left out. now there is this bonding that happens. there's this inherent acceptance. it's wierd cuz not one of my drinking friends have made a single commment over the fact that they've never seen me drink in over six years and now suddenly i am. it's as if they never noticed i didn't drink. but now there's this new joining. i may not drink tonight, as i'm tired and lazy and things close so god damn early here. i feel like i'm going to have to lie to my therapist to buy me some time. i don't want her riding me or threatening to not work with me unless i'm sober. i'm not sure she'd do that,but anyway. i just need to find my way with this. and i do feel a bit seperate from lizard. i don't think she even notices because she hasn't adjusted, she just see 's me exactly the same. she didn't even notice when i was drinking. but i feel farther away somehow. like i'm down a long tunnel having the time of my life and she's at the end and i can't see her, but i can hear her and her voice is so utterly clear. she's seems so clear and effervescent to me. so pure and so put together. she still see's me in that way. she hasn't seen me drunk. she hasn't seen what don j. has seen. he's seen the best and the worst of it. i know he's very cautious about my drinking becuz the first night when i was spinning i told him that it had been six years, but i said nothing more and he never asked. i feel a bit protective somehow. it makes me want to hide it from him.

n - first of all it's clear to me that your grammar/spelling/punctuation is incredible and you are very intellegent. clearly i am not as i couldn't even spell intelligent. haha. for me it's not so much when they claim love for me, it happens earlier, when they like me and turn their focus on me. it makes me sad when i hear a guy who is afraid to be human and real and show "weakness", otherwise known as vunerability, love, receptivity, fear of being hurt... i think of my brother who is fantastically sensitive and is one of the best humans on this earth and i'd beat the shit out of the woman who would tear that apart in him. (i'm sorry, i had a trucker moment). i think the delicateness in a man is so beautiful. it's such a gift to give to someone, unfortunately not everyone can match that strength and have the real, raw courage to receive it. hold it. i think that comes from a woman who feels unable to stand on their own, so they constantly need a strong partner to stand firm and be consistent for them, and if the man shows some shake in their foundation, then it rocks this womans sense of safety.

for me it's more about an innihilating fear of love nearing in. but when it comes to the gentleness of another, bring it baby. every man i've ever been with has felt comfortable enough to nuzzle into my strong arms and be held, comforted. or to sit across the table from me and just cry for the first time in front of someone.

sometimes i feel too strong. like i could just overwhelm and take over. i need someone who has this soft place and then matchs it with a durable strength that can take me on.

n. don't stop trusting that you can show weakness, maybe just choose who deserves to see it. honor yourself in that way. and pls if you need to call someone a snake, i hope you don't lump me or the entire female species in there. there are strong women out there whose backs don't break at the first wiff of vunerability of a man. i'm just terribly fallible and i've got a delicate shell cracked at the center of me that i compulsively try to protect, often at the expense of others. becuz honestly the deeper tragedy is that i have always thought that i'm so invisible and unimportant that i couldn't possibly effect anyone. make a dent, so i also haven't really been able to note how i've hurt anyone. it's good your willing to fall in love again.

i go through with all of the actions and feelings of it. all of the kisses and snuggles and laughter and words and subtle committments. but i always retain this sense that i can flee at a moments notice if i get scared. i'm nearly thirty now and i haven't gotten this figured out. i feel like i've fallen further from knowing about pure love. pure love, not need, or sheer enjoyment. and at the end of the day, i never know if it's just my fear or if i'm protecting myself from getting close to someone who i know isnt' right for me. becuz in some major ways don j isn't. and yet there are these compelling reasons that he reveals that not only keeps me there, but gets me to go a little deeper. but i won't lie. i always wedge one foot out the door, it's the only way i seem to be able to stay in the room at all.

the dicatomy here n is that, everything about me, the compulsive dating, the drinking, the brutal independence works to push this away and yet there is truly nothing more in life that i want than to have an incredible partnership and to raise some free spirit that allows me to co-exhist momentarily with them, learn from them, and love them in all the ways i've dreampt of doing my whole life. i just don't know how i'll spiral into that center.