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2004-12-16 - 3:04 p.m. Gbook entry q/a day: about the bit from dec 9 where you think about whether you'll settle with don j and consider how you might suddenly lose respect and interest... i have a question: can you respect and be hot for someone who is really really in love with you? so that is the question is it not? i'm dying to know who this "n" is. at least tell me if u r male or female. to answer your appropriately poised question; previously? no. currently? i am trying to grow that very ability. here's the clutch n, in the past i've had such cementing conviction that i am a bad human being who is unloveable, unworthy and if someone adores, committs, loves me, then clearly there is something fatally wrong with them. defected. like clothes on the discount rack, obviously the picked through. i've been weepy all day today. there's this really good cry in me, ebbing to the surface like a full bodied sneeze that just won't aa-choo. so, n, you see, what i've been doing is picking suckers who never "really" pick me, or are unable to, so i don't feel threatened by someone trying to love me. second, if i let someone love me god damn it, i always pick someone i can bulldoze so that they never challenge me and i can take them into my cave and suffocate the shyte out of the fast and furious relationship until there is no more oxygen in the room upon which we'd need to subsist. so the relationship is exterminated for my very survival. i don't know how to be loved. it seems like every time i tried since i was a little toe headed overly sensitive love bug, i'd get shattered. disappointed, broken. so i grew up the most protective, masculine natured ninja so no one could get in here. lizard is the first person in years that has busted past security and nuzzled in. and for some reason i've simply stopped pushing her away. she's in like flin. and the only time we push is when one of us is going to be out of town and we have seperation anxiety and start irrelevant fights. i''m terrified of it. i'm terrified of someone getting close and seeing how fucked up i feel. and of feeling stuck with someone. i'm afraid of borredom too, to be honest. my love life has been one furious spinning of constant stimulus and resuscitation of my ego. so what happens when everything quiets and cintrifical force stops? it all falls down. i'm afraid of falling down. i'm afraid of falling in. it's so much easier to write about some party than the ballroom dance going on inside of me. what's more, is that i don't presently have a solution. when someone feels close i have the panics. and i start fights. i battle. in fact i was just speaking with don j. and he commented that it seemed like i was of the ledge looking over the abyss of a fight i wanted to plunge into. it's simply stained into my very being. is it so plain to say that i truly want to be loved, as you said to have someone really, really be in love with me. i want lasting partnership and loyalty and growth by the side of someone who grows too. it is plain to say that that is what we all thirst for at the pit of our own dark well. and yet the tunnels we dig to connect to the love feels like mountainous rock before us. i believe there is a vein of gold in the mountain in which we dig and it is only our responsiblity to keep shoveling through till we are submersed in the vein. the problem is that i don't know if don j. is right for me. and yes, i don't know if i'm ready to let someone near. i'm feeling acid reflux climb up my stomache at the thought. by the way he's been really good about pacing us out so that i cant' burn through it. |
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