2004-12-09 - 12:52 p.m.

i'm fucked man.

here's the thin of it: i'm doing so much better.

my laundry: done.
place clean: essentially, yes.
bills paid: the last round yes, but i live in slight anxiety at those *just* around the corner.

in other words, i've retained health for many days stacked upon eachother.

and here's the derail.

i know no discipline. i think we've discussed. so last night don j. came over after an event. and i think it was sweet cuz he was at this black tie, crazy scene event and he thought of me and called right when he got home. he couldn't stay over because he is allergic to my cats which insist on sitting on his face.

there is just this feeling i've been having when we hold eachother in bed. it's this surge of satiation. satisfaction. i guess a sense of adreniline that most would label, "love." i don't think i've known him long enough to have a deep sense of love. or even a light one. but i'm such a sick bird, so when we are "intimate" i have this impulse to say i love you. because it just all feels so entirely engulfing and tender. i have sex with him, just to get closer, dive deeper into that sensation. to get lost in the abysss of it.

so we end up staying wide awake until 4a.m. and now my day feels ruined once again. i will get some work done, but it doesn't feel ligitimate. it feels like i'm cheating myself and my career.

am i settling with him? what i do know is it feels amazing to feel close and to feel adored. i respect his career and his friendships. i don't like that he is just a bit shorter than me and i feel a bit like an amazon with him. i don't like that i feel less, shall we say, "inner life" from him than i'd like. i mean the kind of conversation that elevates and expands my mind. so there isn't that kind of plunging depth. does there need to be? i think what is key for me to sustain with someone, is for me to respect them. the minute i loose that, i loose complete interest. if he bends too much to my strength, then i loose it. if he isn't kind to strangers and waiters. loose it. if he's too conservative. loose it. if he's too dependant on me. loose it.

i feel like a failure.
i don't know why.

maybe because i feel trapped by the enjoyable emotions and somehow maybe i think i'm not giving myself that real chance that i was ramping up to. and now i don't want out because it feels too good and i feel like i've promised something to him.

fuckin a man. i've got to go to therapy now. there's just too much to discuss and i don't want to hoover over and just analyze, i want to permeate the thicker, primal layers, swim in that warm, globulous blood. i want progress.

i beat myself up so badly. i want to torture myself over the mistakes i've been making. and the whole thing i'm trying to learn, is gentleness. cuz i never getting the lesson by a beating. i get it because i'm ready to shed it, usually cuz i'm actually feeling so good about myself, or my life.

but i feel like these mistakes of blowing off my work cause me to want to beat myself to shreds in the most violent and insidduous ways i know how.

why i'm saying this, is to prevent it. to get some sort of aknowledging permission not to do what i've always done. i guess it's some latent fear that if i don't bring myself down to nothing, i won't be loved. like you won't even like me. and i think when we are really good it doesn't have to have a shade of cocky. it can just be humble and wise and exempletory. speaking with actions rather than words.

i've got to jet.

more later.

i've got some art openings and one is really cool but i have a cold soar dripping down my lip, grazing my chin and i'm not all too happy about that.