2004-12-10 - 12:48 a.m.

i had such a wierd night.

i was in a funky mood to start. just achingly crabby and a bit out of my skin.

the plan was to wear something so fab that it'd confuse and distract people so they'd never give close inspection of my face, which has littered on it a fine ass cold soar beginning on my lower lip and dripping slightly onto my chin. the second art opening was a bit of a celebrity one and it was packed to the gillroys. i was still quite a bit subdued and out of my skin. i had an outfit, which to me is utterly tame, but got some "reactions." i had on a eighties inspired cotton dress off the shoulder, mini, with tall vintage italian very eighties *white* boots that screamed supergirl.

some brentwood uptighters had a laugh i think over my outfit, fucking conformist idiots and if m wasn't right behind me, i wouldn't looked them right in the fuckin eyes and told them to the sky. but i had to pretend to be a lady. cat came in my jewelry and a white fur and lizard came with me.

so anyway this photographer asked if he could take some photo's and i said okay (becuz it promotes my line and thank god i had one of my belts on). the fucking photographer is from one of the major women's fashion rags and i'm flattered. although i told cat that he wanted to shoot just to put me in that "things you should never do" section. convinced. and we still have the coldsoar on the one night i get clicked. and i don't know how to pose or act like i'm not posing when i'm posing. and i wonder if i was even posing right if i looked like a fucker. ooo i hate anxiety. i'm not always photogenic. and these wrinkles. and okay. i'll stop.

anyway. i met a guy tonight and my numbers are improving as this guy was 28 yrs old, not 23 and not 25 as per usual. he was nearly a grown up! and sweet. i think.

i'm feeling pretty inspired and excited about life and projects (with the stark exception of my one money job. that i could stop today and be entirely content. but i can't financially). tomorrow night don j. is making me dinner. did i tell you we are now intimately involved? i really like him. but then again, i think back to someone i've been involved with and i think, how could i?! what did i see, how could i even kiss him. but i think that comes from that loss of respect and then i never see them in a pure sense.

m just stopped by. he met my friends and i out at the gallery. he's so odd. i totally get him now and he's not a threat. he just bleeds sexual energy to everyone everywhere. even to lizard. so it's all plain to see. but he wanted to sobber up. i can't have the caos of hooking up. but he always looks so amazing. and we don't have the right chemistry sexually. just not my speed. too young and rythmically static, fast. uninventive. i'm sure it's our chemistry. i'm sure someone else enjoys him perfectly.

tomorrow night don j. is making dinner for me and i might bring him a lill surprise of some sort. it's so incredible to me that i can merge with someone and then go out and meet others. i am the detachable girl. he wants to exchange small gifts for the holidays. he is just so sweet. m and don j. apparently don't like eachother. which i don't like. sat night don j's bff is having a holiday party which i'm supposed to stop by and m wants me to swing by late with him, which would cause drama to be sure. even tho we are strickly friends.

drama.