2004-12-04 - 9:29 p.m.

btw. i am a disaster.

i am a hurricane.

the new guy who i couldn't remember his name and we will now call him don johnson and i hung out late night last night. nothing good ever happens after midnight.

wow. last night was a kick. my friend and i got a private tour of an incredible epic designers studio. i wish i was someone who could easily do coke and have no consequences.
anyway.

then i went with another friend to a stupid small party at some actors house. then i went to don's. and we had sex. several times. until today.

and now i feel coupley with him no matter how i spin it. we know too many people on the inbetween for me to get away with having him on the side. it's going to have to be official and i'll have to behave myself. i told him it couldn't lead anywhere. i told him we are too different and in different places in life but we are plunging ahead anyway. and i really enjoy his company when i'm with him.

i love his humor and honesty and i love the tender feelings and softness and intimacy. but i enjoy the sensation of those feelings, alhtough i'm cognizant that i shouldn't be experiencing them with him since i already know he's not it for me. too unformed as a human. too bossed around by his mother. i'm too tough, too strong, too experienced, and too full. he placates a bit to my energy. lord.

and my friend who i had the crush on m, whose dinner party i met don at might come by this party tonight that don is at. and m wants to burn the candle tonight and party and i want nothing more than to go off with him and his friend to a malibu rocker party late night, but that would be so odd running away from don. as don wille expect us to leave together and go home and snuggle in couple couple land.

but i didn't sign up for that plan and i don't think he realizes how indifferent and distantanced i can be. this might get complicated. the truth is i should just not date don and focus and not get tangled up and if i meet someone keep it as friends until i really decide he's worthy to blow it on. becuz this town is getting so small. and yet i'm selfish, as we've so often established, and i want to spend some time with don because we enjoy eachother so much.

i'm so tired, i have no business going out tonight. i feel so wrecked, i don't feel at all attractive. let's see if i can make some magic happen in the closet and on the face.

ps cat and i are throwing an insane holiday party. we might even have an official alcohol sponsor and we already have the gallery space to hold it. i wonder if it'll really go off or not. i'm dying of curiousity.

:*) lizard got food poisening last night and i didn't know until late today and i feel horrid for not being able to be there for her. i'd drop anything for her.