2004-11-30 - 4:05 p.m.

so i got a call the same day that buyer received my info sheets.

here's whats funny 'bout me. ask me a month ago if i'd be thrilled to shits if i would get any-some order from this buyer... and now all i can think about is that she is only interested in one of the pieces. i've got issues with accomplishment. i never look up from the pavement to enjoy the sun.

i am so mortified and annoyed that i have to go work on these clients in several minutes. i can't fucking tell you. i normally am not so adverse. but i have been feeling a bit sour on them and on top of it, i'm feeling lazy and unineventive and don't want to boil in their billions while they worry about whether they overpaid me ten fucking dollars. yes. this is my life.

i do care about them. they are friends. all of my clients become friends. which adds a particular dynamic.

so here's the skinny, the buyer wants me to send samples in every color of this one product and all i'm saying is she bet' buy and i'm talking a throw down on numerals. cuz if i'm taking all this effort to fly this suckers out rt, then i want a meaty order. don't tell me one in every color. and then there's this other part, the cache in just have *a* piece in this store. no matter the numbers. i have been focusing more on the money tho, and less on the ego/strategy. as i have to pay rent. and it's appallingly tight. i've got it all covered, but i feel inse-cur that what is left is nearly nothing. so that's nothing to make new samples, pay for emergencies, shop my ass off, leave for africa. hhehee. don't put it past me, my long term readers know this.

last night i hung out with that new guy and i can't remember what were calling him, just the same as i'm sure we'll be over it in a week. last night i met him and his two bff's for food in the most loathsome part of town, beverly hills. puleezze. and they knew people there. ouch.

his two bff's are both apperently recognizable tv/movie stars. i of course did not pick up on this for my lack of pop knowledge and the fact that my boob box got tossed out the window a year ago. talk to me mutha fucka about prost, marquez, nin, henry miller,, then we'll mince words and play and salivate and i'll care.

but these friends were incredibly nice and we all had a relaxed, fun time.

i'm consistently content with oblivion.

the guy came over and we had geek night and painted things and stuff honestly too geeky to detail here. but he stayed over and we didn't have any major makeout like i usually would, we just snuggled. but i couldn't fall asleep becuz i knew that i didn't want this to be moving forward and i was panicking. panicked man, purre panic. he's too short, doesn't have enough "inner richness", watches too much tv, and just isn't a total grown up yet. shocked?

he's nice tho and he wants to be dating. and i can tell he'd love to do that couple thing that is currently making my heart speed forward in a state of anxiety till i force down a deep, violent breath. i don't think it's just me being adverse, i think it's honestly becuz *i already* know i'm not into it and i don't want to let it go and get in too deep and feel suffocated and wrong and guilty. he gave me the perfect opportunity and asked if i'm avail to be dating someone right now. and i just stuttered out a very lukewarm yes but i don't committ and this and that. i just tried to confuse the shit out of him to distract him long enough to think it out. the truth is, no man, i can't just date you and i don't know how to say that. what, will we just be friends theN? hmmph. i really feel like i slightly, constantly derail myself.

okay, fuck, i've got to drive up the coast and hear a friend bitch non stop about how hard it is being completely financially supported.

let me tell her tough, tough is when your not sure you have 20 dollars in your account to feed yo face. that my dear pampered pimp is tougher anyway. becuz i am also aware of the tender fact that i have it *made* compared to so many in the world that wonder if the shells will drop on their house today, and if they will find food this week. man. well that's just a real fuck off.