2004-11-18 - 5:47 p.m.

i'm having a challenging time not thinking of food = comfort today.

all i want is to slather myself in brown cow yogurt and organic chocolate chip cookies, they just taste better. and i felt an insatiable amount of guilt today while eating my chicken. these thoughts were spawned by an article i read by an am who traveled to tokyo, shimubya district i think, and he ate whale. in the beginning he thought, "it's no different than cow, they are killed the same way." then he started to feel sick over it, realizing how utterly cool a mammal they are. floating around like house sized bath toys. okay, more substantiative than that. they are thinking beings. and most are extinct.

then i started to think about the horrid ways we kill all animals. i shot some photography of a beef kill plant. maybe i chronicled it here. they murder 700 *a day*. factory, de-ssembly line murder. it's horrific. and i'm a tride and true meat eater. i agree most with the native ways, of honoring the animal for giving their life and using all parts and doing it humanely. so i don't think carniverism is bad in general, but i think the way we do it today is as wrong as the rest of our toxic, selfish ways of living. the plastification of society. by having some plastic wrap the entire process, the reality is quaintly removed. the murder absolved.

i know, you just want to hear about my boy drama. smarty hasn't called about tonight, guess he's forgotten, which is good. gives me more fuel to pull the plug. i just feel lonely now. i wanted to go to this thing and i'm afraid of lonely girl flashbacks if i go myself. there was a dark time a while ago when i was deeply distant and depressed and b and drunk as possible as much as possible. those were my wandering months. all i did was wander in a lonely oblivion. through parks, musuems, historic sites, up hills, then back down them. sometimes when i'm on these types of adventures by myself they feel too familiar. i can do other things alone well.

god damn it. i feel disappointed.

i wish i had a playmate who liked to do geeky things with me.