2004-11-17 - 11:31 p.m.

the guy that sponsored my nyc tix and took me to miami first called me out on my very bad behavior in miami.

i distanced myself almost the entire time. i guess i learned that i wasn't interested and i think he's ...um ..wimpy and i couldn't 'respeck.'

we had some great, brutally honest email exchanges until he ends up professing his undying love and desire to be with me and travel all over and be partners. that he's never had to chase after someone, it's always just been there.

this is utterly tempting. it tempts on several core levels: ineb loves to travel. ineb loves to get her way. ineb loves deep down inside to be flattered and princessed.

he wants to provide all of this and more.

but as lizard jumping on me reminding me, "you'd have to sleep with him."

which we both full well know i have no desire to do so. i'm just not attracted. maybe others are more attracted to money, so they can allow that to carry over into physical attraction. but i've been hell bent on the youth/adorable factor. i could never sleep with him. i wouldn't even want to kiss him. and i don't even like chuming around arm in arm down the street. it ruins my game.

i'm so poor right now. i'm freeking out. my family has cut the last threads of the umbilical with a butchers highly sharpened knife. i'm toast. i'm over spent, overdrafted and in sick amounts of debt. i'm a debt slave to the man. twice a month i bend over and take it hard. so this offer just is so inducing. but i'm holding out for the true partnership. based on love and respect. i would ruin this man. because i don't respect him as an equal, as a man. i respect him deeply as a friend and a human being.

i've been having some consistent sex with the same catch of the week. in fact i wanted some late night tonight and he hasn't called. i let him know i'd like to meet tonight or tomorrow. tomorrowq night earlier i'm supposed to go to an exhibit of sorts with smarty. he talked me into it. and i want to have a back up plan to protect myself from wanting to throw him down and love him with every inch of me. i feel like our connection is amazing. i feel it, it hurts. i guess i'm going to see if i can let us just be friends and have only a brain connection. i don't want to get involved becuz he is useless. totally, admittably unavailable. i don't even think he'd respect me if i let things happen under these conditions. i have to have will power and it always helps that i'm satisfied by another.

it's a cruel, cruel world.

i've had some mello days. this weekend should be amusing. friday a store my line is in is hosting a mixer. should be mild. sat night some openings and a sushi party at a successful persons place who accidentally married a russian hooker and is now, divorced i suppose. oh and friday i have lunch with the guy i met at m's dinner party. which was a bit awkward. he's probably so over me meeting up with his friends. you snooze you looze babe. but i also feel protective over his opinion of me.

lizard took me to the le tigre show last night. fantastic!! they cut it up sharp.

ps. v - i guess that guy let go, as i haven't heard from him, which is fantastic becuz my thoughts over the situation have also dissipated like bush's plans to educate every child in u-merika.