2004-11-12 - 3:32 p.m.

basically he wrote to me clarifying details about his long time dramatic marriage and their previous seperation etc. and said that she is indeed pregnant again, and that they have been trying for a while. they supposedly decided that no matter what happened with their marriage that they wanted a sibling for their other child. he wanted me to know that i'm not a string in a line of affairs...i figured out who she is and read dozens online. let's just say she makes more money than i could dream of in three consequtive lifetimes. it's just fucking sick.

he ended the note with this:
_______________________________________
I wanted you to know the whole truth. I should have told you in the beginning, and we would have had party conversation about the election and your work deal and sweat lodges and that would have been that. Of course, there's no reason why any of this should matter as much to you as it does to me. I'm the one with issues to resolve.

Anyway, *ineb*, it was wrong to kiss you, and I regret it. But it was also wonderful. And if I were single, I'd very much want to see you, and kiss you, again.

Good luck with your work.
____________________________________

i really think he wrote because when we spoke i was so distant and gave him nothing. not anger, not connection, just distant advice about pursuiting self truth or something. i think he wanted to know that there was also a connection for me too and that i was affected, otherwise the entire risk he took would seem even more frivolous.

i wrote to him this:
hmmmm...i'm not sure what to say. it's not that this
hasn't affected me, it's just an odd spot to feel
slotted into. i appologize for asking you about your
private information. although, it does put an
unsavory spin on the situation. again, i'm simply at
a loss, which is an additional shock, everyone should
enjoy the silence.
____________________________________

i don't know if it was better to not respond at all. since all of this, the great space i was in seems to have slipped away. or rather, i've let it slip away, or rather, i gave it willingly away because it was more uncomfortable to retain it and i'm sickly comfortable with depression and self loathing, self criticism.

i feel a bit floatatious. ungrounded. i don't feel thin, my place is a disaster once again. i don't feel directed, plans keep changing and i can't seem to stick to much or arrive anywhere on time.

right now i think i need to stop down and re-lift my space. it always seems to be a metaphor for where my "head" is at. whether i'm withdrawing and recinding or expanding and have clarity. i just feel better when my place is organized. and i always stop just short of finishing it, i think to draw out what is habitual for me.

i've already decided to have a rotten night too. haha. "busy" is having friends over for dinner. keep in mind busy's place has been my vortex of good boy luck. but i feel that luck wrung dry. i feel like i'll just feel out of my skin tonight and unloved. i'm too used to constant highs, normalicy feels like a borring taste of depression.

this sunday i am doing some sample sale to cash in on some green. i want to make some new stuff for that. it's hard to know how much i'll sell. if it'll be worth it at all. see, totally borring, eh?

:*)