2004-11-11 - 2:14 p.m.

you know i'm a sick fucker. you know this.

god damn damn.

damn.

last night i was so late trying to fit everything in, that the boy and i missed the premiere, not just the carpet, almost the entire film, they wouldn't even let us in. oops.

quit stalling...

so i went to therapy and we made progress on my slight regressions and temptations to throw my entire fuckin life away. i have some sticking points within me that are like a thick puddy grasping oozingly at the last opportunities at subtle self destruction.

what am i getting at? well, the only way i was able to release these notions was by meeting a new 23 year old. they are becoming so interchangeable. not that they aren't distinct.

as i was writing this, i noticed that "he" wrote. d.c.

i'm sick to my stomache now.

i just found out who his wife is and read five entire pages about her.

i'm shocked all over again that i am feeling so odd, twisted and torn about this. new levels of intricate emotions are unfolding. i now have no doubt that if anything progressed she could find out about me and also ruin ... wow i can't even think it. this is so fucking wierd. how the hell did i slightly fall into this?

how can i prevent from falling in deeper. my heart is running on fast forward. beating too fast and now i have to go deliver a boutique order that is late and i'm feeling shy about dropping it off under the lateness and because some of it is just a bit off and i'm afraid she won't like it and i'll get shut out and i'll be awkward and shit make this feeling go away.

i can't even get a hold of lizard.

he revealed more info. not more than i had already suspected. i'll catch you up later, i've got to go beat traffic on my flattish tire to drive across town again and deliver a sadly late order.

simply put: i feel like shit.

this drama has stolen from me my cooth, my calm and my mellow.

and i've let it.