2004-11-10 - 11:49 a.m.

the desire to call is lifting and theres some sick place inside that is almost disappointed in my waning interest. as if i'm walking away from some rich experience.

last night my short male stylist friend of questionable sexual preference acted quite out of sorts. i couldn't figure out what drug he was on, yet i was certain it was a harsh additive that cranked corners and sharpened responses. he kept saying things like, "if you eat enough strawberrys, your pussy will taste like strawberrys" and when the boy i thought adorable got reined in he said, among a slur of other absurdly inappropriate things, "my friend is horny and is interested in you." this is the second time a stylist friend has said this to a young man in my name.

ouch.

then he continued to say unbelieveable things that horrified me as i did damage control.

this kid is in from austria, living now near italy. he's adorable. he'll be here till january. when he asked me to a primiere tonight i said i probably couldn't. i think i was just feeling so god damn burned from recent escapades that i couldn't muster up any enthusiasm, knowing that it'll end in energy expended and exhaustion somehow. although, i would love if he called and i would go with him and i would love to set the situation up as a lover for a few months. but i'm feeling completely reserved about it, out of disappointment and callous. he said that in europe they no longer distinguish between american's and the american government. that his friends couldn't even understand why he was coming here. they abhor us. they are disgusted. and we keep spoon feeding them ample reason to committ to that belief. hell, i whole heartedly agree. but we are one world and to think that we are some burning unit is archaic, whatever we do effects the world, so we need to work globally to fix each failing unit.

it's always unbelieveable to me to hear that people don't realize this entire election was fixed. it's starting to unfold. the AP picked up the story. the LA Times flirted with it. nixon was impeached within two years, i'm hoping for two months.

i'm feeling behind in my work. i'm feeling inspired with my two careers. i'm feeling utterly fufilled and challenged and slightly fearful and always panicked about being behind. i should do nothing else than work 12 hours a day and stop socializing. i say this every day don't i? here's my current repetitive drama's you poor lovely readers have to endure:

* someday i'll stop dating young men in any capacity and i'll wake up to their unavailability and meet adult males who indeed are NOT married with child and pending impregnation.

* i will clean and keep myself organized.

* i will stop socializing pointlessly chasing the dragon across town and sit with myself and do my creations and chill the fark out. and i will cut the fuzz and stop playing with superficial kids in this spinning, spinning town.

okay man. i'm out i really do have to do work now.