2004-11-09 - 10:15 p.m.

i haven't called him despite this sick desire to do so.

i feel locked into this fantasy and yet it also makes me ill.

at this hour he's probably laying in bed with his wife, warm by his side as their child sleeps in the next room.

i guess the fantasies lay in the chambers where my own selfishness burns. because i have grave curiousity about how it would feel. because i feel like i want to try and know everything. because i want to feel a rush.

all over an orgasm. so much ruin for something that rolls up with in you and lasts a few seconds. a few seconds to ruin lives. odd.

i'm exhausted beyond repair and yet i'm meeting a lunatic stylist friend out tonight at an afi "gala" thing. i don't know why. because i can't say no. because i want to chase the dragon and meet someone new and be distracted by someone new. because i enjoy meeting interesting people.

because i'm still trying to burn something out of me. because i shouldn't even be considering it and i already feel guilty over driving across town on a flat tire to meet friends when i should be working or catching up on sleep. i'm late on orders for boutiques and i'm behind on nearly everything "adult" (bills, organizing, cleaning up the cat throw up). yeah. i know.

my eyes hurt i'm so tired. am i ridiculous? the laziness of the part of town i live in creates creatures of comfort that don't ever leave past dark. that is what i loved about nyc, is it always seemed accessable and possible at any hour.

my client said tonight that he was never ready at 25, that he didn't feel like a man. i'm always trying to meet a young one and turn them. that one crush is someone i still wish would turn. the night of d.c., he had called wanting to get coffee. i would love to hang out with him, talk all night, let the tension build. but for what? to torture myself more with what i could never have? to keep myself suspended just above anything possible?

this is insane. i feel like calling d.c. this late and asking how he is, in complete denial, as if he could be available to talk just because i want to. i can't believe i'm tempted by something that i feel so incredibly strongly about. i'd be hard pressed to find much i feel stronger about, fidelty, loyalty, respect of the sanctity of love and of other human beings. and yet here this fantasy is, lit within.

i guess i'll try to go burn it out by getting into some flitatious trouble this evening. it's always a problem when i go out expecting something like tonight. i have an expectation to be entertainedc and to meet someone. anything less is a failure and a waste of sleep i could of otherwise had. i wonder if i'm not putting off my life, or if i'm indulging deeper in my life with these escapades.