2004-11-08 - 1:40 p.m.

we'll have to talk about miami another time. the stories of the people and their kindness leave a distinct mark on my heart.

i fell into a bit of darkness after the election until lizard picked me up and took me to the movies. afterwards we went to a friends house who was in miami with me (not the one that took me there, currently we have a gap existing between us).

i showed up to this party, for the first time ever, completely nude. just the me i was when i grew up in a smaller town, no need for makeup. i was too shattered to care.

i discovered more about my anger leaning friend who said my bail was more than covered. i think he does have real national ties to some heavy hitting folks. for example possibly to italian american moffia. his father was one of three men involved in a historic business scandal years back. he just got out of jail a few months ago. i met him as well. this friend had a party to melt down election woes and get drunk and make plans for the senate race in 06. i show up post movie, battered looking and end up having an incredible time.

i end up in a conversation with someone who was a number one on gores campaign and now is a writer/producer for a top rated political prime time show and his friend in town from d.c. this friend is a washington correspondent and top dog for a major print media outlet. the three us of get into it on politics, literature whatever for hours. i find "d.c." quite interesting. i find his powerful position intriquing. i find that it amusing that i wasn't just holding my own in conversation with these two extrodinarily impressive human beings, but i was at the center of it, rotating and shaping it.

at one point i pulled d.c aside and dug my teeth into his thoughts on the election and made him look into my eyes and promise, as a part of a major national media outlet, to look into the voter fraud scandal and represent.

i had an inspiring, awakening time. i felt all the possibilities ahead. before this, returning from miami and previous to that nyc, i felt a shedding of my skin. the false, superficial skin that glazed onto me by too much socializing. that stylist friend and "worker" are just too much for me. they are so superficial and exhausting and self centered and one leveled. it sucks me dry of my spirit and keeps me far from who i really am inside. and i don't hate them, i hate me with them. i hate that i discard pieces of myself with them and replace it with inauthenticity. just to be in the glitz, to be dizzy by the spinning machine. so i committed to six months or a year of creating more of my truth and the people that inspire me in my own city and if i can't then i have to move. and here at this party, immediately i felt myself manifesting my deeper truth.

the next day i wanted to get in contact with d.c. to meet up before he left, realizing that i wanted to kiss him and ask him career questions. i resist calling. i get a call from leaning angry friend saying we will all meet up again for drinks. a group of us did, trolled to a few places until we are kicked out by this sorrily early ending city and my friend, this other guy and d.c. and i break off to go to the guys house. there felt nothing wierd by this.

the four of us stayed up for hours talking. then foot rubbing began. (note to self, don't try to rebel against the system by not showering after working out for a solid hour on the stair master, it's just not kind to the brethren around peppermint always smells better than the vestiges of raw sweat.) there was this moment after d.c. started the foot rub down where he seemed to pull back. this moment of thought. i wondered if it was a reflection of his maturity and i was just used to 25 year olds diving in immediately in a mad search for the boob by any means necessary. so i nuzzled my way in and we started spooning. my two friends by now are quietly chatting and kissing on the couch. we are on the floor.

makeout sessions all around ensue. we are now pole vaulted back into the days where magazine pictures covered interiors of hall lockers.

the friends exit the stage, opting for the bedroom. d.c. is 8 years older, and it showed in his knowledge and integration of the sensual experience.

each semi refrained movement sent me into near spasms. it wasn't an onslaught of impatient grappling. every single sensation and touch was taken in like the appreciation of water after a four hour long hike. his arms around my waiste and his head holding the side of my stomach, embracing, lingering, enjoying. there was an unmatchable intensity that i can't remember ever experiencing before. in that curious about the world, conquistadoree way, i kept thinking about his powerful career position and how his different world turned me on. he's traveled all over with every major president at their side. he was in russia during a coup and as tanks rolled in, bullets rained on the streets and someone a foot away fell before him. and yet he's not a brash adventurer. instead i felt he pulled himself in. there was something collapsing about him. something defeating. something from the rounding of his shoulders and his sophisticated reserve. the white collar soft skin and rounded edges.

we was about to pull down my underwear and i stopped him. i didn't want to feel "that way" about myself the next day. i kept thinking in my mind, what would the dominican do? (this woman who dated a friend and wouldn't even hold hands on the first date, as is her cultural tradition).

somewhere inside i was wondering where this would go. if we would date. we spoke about where i lived, i asked about his house, because how someone decorates is important to me. i had to pull this information from him like a dentist drawing out a tooth attached to too many tendons.

the sun rose on our escapade. he had a plane to catch. we called a cab. we kissed, we lingered. it was sweet.

i turned off my phone, slept a bit. when i heard my two bedroom friends chatting, i ran into bed with them to snuggle and we broke down every inch of the evening. we analyzed d.c. and his subtle moves and the pull back. my friend decided it was the first appropriate pick i've had. i thought it was odd that he gave no leaving indication of what was next, ie. come to d.c., let's visit...just something about whether i'd email him and if i still had his card.

the three of us were getting ready for breakfast when i checked my messages. it was d.c. stuttered about how he wished i would pick up, he needed to talk to me. he was stalling out. i thought, of sweet, maybe he wants to change his flight and is calling to see if it's okay. more stuttering, more wishing he could talk to me before he flies. then it went something like this, "i don't want you to find out while i'm flying, i was a bit dishonest with you last night." i was thinking, he must have a child (we did collectively suspect that, and found his regressive sadness had something to do with some tradegy related to it).

"i'm married and have a child."

shock. utter shock.

"it's a bad marriage and we stay together for our kid. i'm sorry. i'm selfish and i was just attracted and i'll call right when i land."

that must of been a very long flight for him.

my two friends and i had to unwind the entire night under this new piece of information. we uncovered the few, extremely subtle red flags. the slight pull back. the sadness.

i'm quite sure he would of had sex with me.

after breakfast, it seemed with in minutes the news spread (without a word from me, apparently he called our mutual friend and unloaded the entire situation).

having not slept an ounce i tried to nap before my 5 consecqutive hours of massaging ahead. my aunt calls and is in my hood and wants to get together for coffee. the irony of it is this, this is the aunt whose two girls are my sisters. i am more protective of them than anything in the world. they are up from san diego. my aunt was cheated on with both husbands, one of which while my she was pregnant with my little girl. i have intimately seen how destructive the situation is from the perspective of someone i cherish with every single inch of who i am.

i can't tell her what's going on because it would errupt her own issues and now by default i'm on the other side. while we are on a walk shopping, he calls. i step outside.

i ask the questions i wanted to know.

if it was the first time he's done this.

yes, with the exception of one year they compeletely seperated and he saw someone. it is a very tumultuous relationship.

i wanted to know if it was merely physical. no.

what she did for a living. soemthing inside of me burns with curiousity about odd details in life. don't ask.

if he'd tell her. he doesn't know yet.

is she pregnant. no but they have been trying. i can't believe this, why would he be invested and distancing. it's abhorant. it's sad.

i told him that i have too much deep respect for women and the sanctity of love to hurt others like this. i told him that i had been interested in him. i told him i realize this has nothing to do with me and that although i know i don't know anything about their relationship, but that i encourage him to work on his issues and that i thought what he is doing is extremely self destructive and destructive of her. i wasn't mad, i felt distant. i felt like i was telling someone what to do with their life. i told him he needed some help and that he must really be hurting to do something like this. he was gutted. it was a strange conversation. i didn't feel real. i felt like i wrote a script and had questions on a list i needed to get. i couldn't connect to the gravity of the situation. during the conversation my little cousin in first grade kept peeking out of the store wanting to come over to me, wondering why i was on such a serious call. i know she sensed something. the dictomy killed me. how much i love her killed me. the call felt unsatisfying. we had bonded, i needed more. i need something else to wrap up my feelings. i said to him the best of luck and hopes that he got what he needed to take care of things and i got off the phone. i walked over to my little girl and held her and told her how important and intellegent and special she was.

they left, i drove to my first session. in my mind, with the silence from the wake of the drama i felt something new. i'm not someone who has ever entertained anytning even near a experience like this. i truely love women too much. i truely would never be that other person.

yet here i was, getting triggered in a primal place inside. i started thinking about some sick lure of flying to nyc to meet up with him. about this suspenceful sensuality and raw intensity of seeing him without a word and tearing eachothers clothes off. about the danger. about the saftey that it could go no where for me. when something is forced to be brief, it is always on fire with the intensity and burning on the bluest pieces of the flame. it is loving the man leaving in a week. it's almost solely in that delicate space i'm able to fully let go and divulge myself completely. bleeding into them. consumming. telling them how much i love them. succombing. it has always been experienced with someone who has a limitation because they live in another country or are too young to seal it and i know it with each piece of me. so i can let go with them and let the feelings have the weight and fluidity of water. and i can even drown in them. i can forget myself, my world.

suddenly, this had a draw, an appeal like nothing i've experienced before. not only would it allow for these primal abandons, it would ignite my addiction to adreneline.

arriving in a posh hotel seeing him in the lobby, eye contact. intensity. meeting him wordlessly in the room. the impulsivity. the impatience boiled from the forced distance. the abandon and clenching. the sense of doing something so secretive. not against her, that's his drama, but against me. against my whole life. against my world knowing. this pulls me in so deep because after all of the sweet delicacy of taking care of myself and letting go of unhealthy patterns, this would submerge myself in what i fuckin love, what i know intimately. the act of utter self destruction. the act of consumption and ruin.

it's difficult to be honest about this because it is so wrong and goes against the very protective nature i pride myself upon. i feel my throat close over the thoughts of this. my breath shorten and escape me.

i have this pull to call him, to email him. to have "better closure." to touch this. to tempt it. i'm someone with too much curiousity. i have to know what everything would feel like.

i want all of these incredible things in life. recently as we know i had the opportunity and still do, to have a life of extreme luxury if i just sacrificed true love. and i want love and partnership more than anything in the world. i want that enough to have sat out all of these impulses at self ruin. all of these teasing temptations to experience more. but how will these two sides of me ever reconcile?

how will demian survive in the two worlds, unintegrated? how will someone ever understand and accept this about me. it's rare for someone even to be shown both sides. lizard even rarely is shown both. she only gets to see this other side if she accidentally walks in on it.

i feel like being alone. i feel like locking myself out from the world and i feel like writting and reading and watching the light hit the tree outside my window.

what this has shown me is the depth of how far away i am from true partnership. that this situation is so desireable to me shows me how much i want to be protected from someone normal who just wants to be by my side consistently. how i know now i have only let myself go when there is knowledge that the story has a distinct bookend.

you must be wondering "what i'll do."

right now i'll do nothing but what i have to. i have more deadlines and work to pay bills and things i have to show up for. i will cart myself around from place to expected place and let this sink to the bottom of me where it can settle like a rock on a sandy sea floor.

i hope i can just leave it there.

as is everything in life. it just is. only our impression of it annoints it the colorful adjectives and compartmentalizing like arranging items on shelves to understand what their purpose is.