2004-10-28 - 1:42 a.m.

what a night. what an odd night. i was supposed to go to a few fashion week events. but i went with smarty to that lecture. and it was more of an entire event than a lecture. so we ended up going for a bite after. during this thing everything with him felt so incredible. damn, just the way we are with each other. the way i felt when he'd touch me. look into my eyes. his calm. his sensitivity. his intellegence.

it was a test because there was some very attractive men there and i had to focus my attention.

we went for a meal after. we walked on the street and started to make out. it got intense. amazing. getting lost. phenominal. i look up and five feet away there is a big old man in a yellow jacket staring directly, calmly at us. voyer in an unappologetic way. it creeped me out completely.

more making out in the car. i say let's slow it up.

later he drops me off and busts into it. just what i thought, went something like this, 'listen i just got out of something and i don't want to get into another relationship for a very long time and i will be dating others and fooling around and if you are okay with that, then great, but i needed to be honest.'

which threw me, even tho i completely knew this. i awkwardly explained that i'm the one who doesn't committ well ever, so he has nothing to worry about, but that i knew where he was at and i didn't want to touch it at all. i basically said that intuitively it felt wrong. that our connection is more than just playing around and that would just be messy. that we are actually in the same place cuz i am/have been dating, but that the fact of him just getting out of something makes it different for me, than two people just dating others and getting to know eachother.

i felt that heart crushing thing. all night i felt my heart just aching as it opened. as this sense of potential flooded out. he said i should trust my intuition, which to me meant, 'yes i really am in that place and don't want to treat you that way, but if you let me i would try to have sex with you and enjoy that. but please stand up for yourself becuz i don't want to hurt you.'

or something near that.

here's the amazing part. time has told me some truth.

the heart crushing thing, is combined with something brand new.

trust.

acceptance.

trust.

although i feel compulsive to hold onto how amazing i think/know he is, and how our connection might as well be near the best i've found to date in terms of mind, spirit, sexually, i know better.

becuz i know i've felt that fear of letting go with a DOZEN others who within months of letting go, i've realized without a shadow of a doubt that they were not right and how relieved and how the next guy after surpassed. i felt this in ny with the guy i called nyc. out in front of lizard and i's ghetto pad he dropped some bomb out of insecurity and games, but none the less, it crushed me. and i felt it for busy. and for that guy from back east a while ago. and of course the doozy of all, i felt this intensely for ben and now given the opportunity that he wants to re-engage, i don't at all want to go there. i'm filled with clarity.

i almost cried on the way home tonight. just out of the quickly crushed hope. that sensation that i could fall in love again that nearly smelled so sweet.

but then i also realize that it may have less to do with the other, and more to do with what the other invoked within me. the potential with in me...
to love.
to open.
to share.
to be tender.

and he just had a combination to unlock it. so i want to hold onto him like he is the key.

what was ignited lives in me. and it's, i believe, our human desire to share that, be ignited by the other. it's like trying to tickle yourself.

but i know enough to know that this fire isn't conditional of him. it's just blazes stronger by the fuel of certain individuals. but the flickering flame is always mine. i can take it everywhere.

damn man. v, g. i have to say. i'm wholeheartedly hurting. it felt so real. it felt so hopeful. there were so many pieces of the puzzle that fit. and yet once again, this same drama plays out. the one where they are phenominal, but just not in the right space in life. and somewhere inside i buy that if i convert, convince them then something deep inside of me will be fufilled.

i will be enough.

becuz here i went yet again, finding the younger half available incredible guy. twice in a row. back to back. blazing in my face. this is my pattern to keep myself feeling rejected and safe from *really* opening up.

the other night i was walking and feeling incredible and i put out the intention that i wanted to be thrown headlong into the one that is ready and right and even if it meant ripping away all that isn't once again. even if it meant me not understanding in the immediacy. and right now, in my heart, i don't completely understand, becuz this is the type of guy i feel a centrifugal pull towards, irrelevant of thought/analysis. i feel like i can't escape it. like i logically understnad but have yet to embrace this or know what the other option would even sound like.

here's the trip...i'll want to fall into a fantasy to fufill the drama. i'll want to hear only what i want with him, like i did with ben. so that i can keep it burning and let it singe me so i can feel the perpetual scarring on my skin.

it's easy to have someone who just barely can. i don't have to give anything up in that senario.

i keep saying nothing comes before my work, but then i keep going on these little adventures that consume my nights. but what am i to do, this is just where i'm at, and i'm not ready to lock myself away. i want to stay open, but the only people i have eye sight for, the only color i am blind to, is this particular shade of man.

tonight made me really conscious of being honest and careful with others feelings and that i need to be clean with H and let him know immediately that it will never lead anywhere with me. and i won't lead him on and give him a false sense of promise. it just. i can't live like that. all i have is my integrity. i'd be horrified if smarty had strung me along for his own selfishness. he's pretty evolved, i'm pretty impressed by him.

why do i go there still? why do i feel so impelled to make the impossible work and feel my heart just fuckin ache for someone who is ultimately incapable at the time?

i don't even know what available looks like. i don't know that i can think of a single example. sure i can think of people who would committ to me right now, but they aren't someone i feel *that* way for. they don't have what i want in a partner. it just seems that the two roads never merge. all i want, and all there. am i still so "unavail" to the point that i can't even see availability in others? that i keep "attracting where i'm at"? i'm baffled, cuz i feel ready to challenge this.

and it's new, becuz with smarty i didn't put on defenses and i stayed open and honest. and when i was told what i already knew, i didn't feel myself crumble, i just felt a crush. i felt an ultimate trust. and a swallowing disappointment.

this one was special.

so now what? i left it vague in the car, giving no idication of how to proceed. i basically said i couldn't do it. but didn't say anything about keeping in touch or being friends. talking would keep me so keyed in, that's how we got locked in in the first place. and friends, i'd want to have sex. so it almost seems like i have to actually let go all of the way.

of ALL OF THE ABOVE. H, smarty and M.

one minute i feel on top of the world enjoying all three, feeling the power in numbers, and now i'm tasting the ultimate power.

the power that surpasses all of this temperal power.

the power of the self. the power of being okay with myself, silently. incredible to feel that that is sexy and powerful.

and fuck it, i'm not going to make any plans. i usually want to tighten it up with a plan, ei 'no dating whatsoever', 'only a sexual partner,' 'only someone worthy of partnership.' fuck it, the only plan i'm going to make is this:
i'm going to stay in the river.

because you can't stop the river.

so i'll just let it flow.

let yourself go
so lay low, that is the tempo.