2004-10-26 - 11:21 p.m.

i went to a few fashion shows tonight and ran into that guy that we will from here on out call "my bottom," as in: the murky, mildewy bottom of the well upon which i hit when i slept with him, bottom.

this was maybe a month or two ago. my stylist friend and i made a big mis-step in judgement hanging out with these two guys. and this guy seduced me and worked on me all night, through dozens of snuggling refusals until early in the morning i cracked. and i hardly remember the very unspectacular sex. in fact..my one regret on earth is allowing him to ask for my number becuz he so clearly did it as a front to make the morning seem less awkward. he scribbled it on a discarded envelope. i wish i said, hey man, let's cut the bullshit and just let it be at that. have a fantastic trip and i'll see you around. that way i would of held all the cards. i avoided him tonight. like the plague. i saw him eyeing me. i wonder if he made the connection.

why is he the bottom? was it becuz he isn't a stellar young gun? maybe. mostly because it was something i didn't ultimately want to do and i wasn't respecting myself. i was hurting myself with that choice. and i know the difference inside of when i'm using actions against myself and when i'm just enjoying, playing, experiencing.

M has completely distanced himself. he has been sick and hasn't called, dropped an email to let me know, i offered to bring him get well goods and he hasn't responded!! fuckall. it's amusing. challenging not to take it personally. just letting it go. i'm just someone who aches to KNOW> i want to know why. if it's cuz i only called once from ny and a guy was in the background at 5 in the a.m. or if he's gay or if he's into someone else, or if he's scared, or lost interest. i have no indication and last time i thought i had intuition, i was apperently way off according to him, as he said he unquestionably wanted to have a go, get to know, step up. and now he isn't. and i don't want to speak about it, as i already had before. i just hope it wasn't me, that it wasn't my insecure manuveurs in nyc, my own fronting. he's a great guy. but i guess not my great guy and not right now.

i went tonight with the guy who gave me the ticket to nyc. we are now going to miami to volunteer in liberty city for the election. such a princess i am. volunteering in the worst neighborhood in south florida by day, lounging at the ritz by night.

so here's the interesting part, this guy and i are just friends. he has a crush, let's say that. and i'm surprised cuz he's had opp's with incredible women, so i wonder, why me? then i'm also working through whether i'm up for this. it's just not my normal deal at all. he's older. refined and cool, but not young and hip. he's goofy, i'm still the one in charge of the two of us, which is awkward when you take some one accomplished and worldly and i have to call all the shots. and i'm not sexually into it. i could possibly grow into it out of true adoration of him and his company. but i'm also used to running around with someone of age?? (or underage) shall we say. and i felt a little wierd with him tonight with several mutual people around. i don't want anyone to think that i'm running around with some guy as some broad-sell out. i worry what every one thinks. hmmm. it's getting sticky to be honest. the world is getting so small now.

remember "smarty"? he's amazing. i'm becoming very curious aboout him. he wants to go to some incredible lecture tomorrow and i know no one else but me in the world who would attend something like this of their own volition. our conversations are killer, and we don't compete, one upping like M and i have been doing. he's sensitive and aware and into a lot of the same things. i told u his reds: young and just out of something. but he's been steadily pursuiting this. and i'm loving it. okay...so here's where it begins to get sticky as fuck...track me on this if you will

the night i met him was at my ex's, "busy" member? busy had this divorcee staying with him at the time i was dating him. i didn't care for her beautiful ass staying intimately with the guy i was dating.

f.f. poolside, the guy i'm going to miami with is there (let's call him H) and smarty is there with that girl, the divorcee. i end up talking all night with smarty and make out, well after H leaves.

so NOW i find out that not only is my ex going to miami, but so is the divorcee!! oo and here's the pivotal part, she's dating smarty's older brother and that's why he was at that party!

so it could very well get back to smarty that i was there with an older guy etc staying at the ritz, my fuck. are you kidding me? this is all sinking in now.

what do i do? volunteer at a different place? possibly. why are we even going, we should be going to colorado which needs demo votes and stands a chance. florida is a longer shot with bush pumping the coiffers of jeb and thus the state, post hurricane. plus everyone's going there, it'll be a clusterfuck of people and there may be a riot if it's STOLEN again.

wouldn't it be a gas if we all ended up in the jail cell together. fantastic!! more jelly for you.

we already booked the whole thing and i just don't know. if i was a drinker i could pull it off in a mindless way that i would if i were drinking. but i'm too conscious. by the way, i hit six years of not drinking et al on oct 21st.

i don't want to jeopordize anything with smarty. i don't want him to see me differently about dating an older man who apperantly wants to travel me around. which i've avoided my entire dating career. and now it's slipping in. and in the midst of all of this play i feel like i'm loosing focus on work, and yet i'm making sick potential contacts by socializing too much.

whatever, there are certainly more to worry about life yeaH? fuck it. i'll just follow my intuition thro and thro and be true with integrity, at the end of the day it is all i've got. and i truely believe that whatever you give the world, is what you receive.

:*)