2004-10-28 - 4:16 p.m.

i feel like some one clubbed me with clarity and i dizzy with the knowledge. it's pounding in my head.

i feel like i've been hit with irrevocable knowledge and it'd take some serious self deception now to go back.

v. i could tell, unfortunately, that it was genuine and honest and not fear. i think M possibly its from a bit of fear. but with smarty its his truth. the person he dated before was a whopping 20 years old. shit. man. really. fuck.

i've been sad today. i feel asleep with a sense of pain and woke with the same. actually woke to the reverand in south florida calling at 6.30a.m. lizard at 8am. and my manager pounding down my door at 8.30a.m. i fear for how i spoke to him. i was supposed to savor every mutha ounce of sleep until the drop of 9.02a.m. considering i bed down at nearly 4a.m.

ouch.

i'm hurting now.

in several forms of kali.

the destructor.

destructing what's within
to reconstruct what's left standing.

burn it away baby, get me closer.

this morning i felt like i did loose something walking out. maybe it's more of an umbrella loss of loosing this repetitious pattern, this thing i play out and know so well. i walked to my car and there on my back and front dash are blue ribbons tied to the wipers. what the fuck?

note on front: blue ribbons for you mo. from lizard (we tell eachother we deserve a blue ribbon when we've taken care of ourself).

i was sobbing by the love of it.

stunning.

my brother once again spoke real sense to me and said that i need to really sit with these feelings and not negate them by running into something new to repair myself. and not to engage with smarty or play games or let him walk over me. to ramp up a bunch of new crushes actually plays into that core protective drama and i want something new.

i want what is on the other side of this. i want what's past this thick wall within me.

river. i feel totally soaked by the river. every cell within me is saturated and heavy with this water.

i want some alone time from being social. i want so time in the trees. i want some time to write and some time to read and some time to meditate and stay quiet. maybe i'll do another fast and silencing. that'd kick. maybe saturday.