2004-10-16 - 12:22 p.m.

hey i'm in nyc.

at first i was actually feeling homesick. how odd. i was having dinner with friends and i had this immense sense of missing lizard. particularly since we've been to ny together and since i know she's away in peru. she had called the other day with a well of emotions and missing me and her man.

the first night was mellow and sophisticated. i went straight from the airport, changed in a coffee house- wonder woman style, and went to this photo event.

last night i went to the end of dinner party with a super scenester of nyc whom i've met in soho a few times. he's the business from an east coast town loafer type who is dialed into to every one who owns anything big in the city. we went to several spots. nothing that blew my mind, with the exception of pop burger which made me pissed that LA doesn't have haunts like that. we ended the night at around 4.30. and that is why i fucking love ny. everyone is still out at 4.30 5a.m. places are still very open. la has it's late night dinner institutions, but this town always feels more awake. one of the clubs we went to was very la, even worse in some aspects. it was an obligatory stop over.

the guy that flew me over...i've been strategic about it. i know if i just say the word go, we will travel after this, but i'm just not sure i have it in me. because where ever you go, there you are! and if i'm somewhere far far away, i want to be truely enjoying the company i'm sharing and comfortable with our exchange. and here's this...i do *truely* enjoy his company immensely, but i feel pressed to conduct a balancing act of friendship and potential. and i haven't decided if i want to cross the line that you sometimes can't come back from. and i don't want to shoot myself off to a far land and have to constantly negotiate friendly encounters, while sharing a hotel room. all of my friends say it's about time i let someone treat me like this, and to just enjoy it and go for it. shesh. i'm just a simple girl.

i've thought a lot about M, the main crush. he lived here. i've wanted to call him since i've landed. but i'm refraining, i don't want him to think i'm not rolling here, i don't want him to think he has me in his palm.

heres the clinch: i am so into him. i feel like i respect, admire, enjoy, connect with him. i feel like he's as ready as i'd need someone to be right now. buutttt, my last night in town, when we were making out, ouch. it was....not my favorite. it felt very young and uninspired. i couldn't get into it. i was just making out cuz i like him so much. but i wasn't feeling, not for a second, that, rip my clothes off feeling. there is something to be said for this unseeable chemistry. and we have flirtatious chemistry. we have emotional chemistry. i don't like the way he kisses, i don't like the moves. let's hope this gets better with development. hmmm.

now crush number two, whom i met poolside and had a makeout session with, our physical chemistry was pretty sick. and the mental was fucking ill. and the emotional? we didn't touch it. only one encounter and i can safely assume he can't go there with his recent relationship which is probably still in "negotiations". i don't know the bredth of their situation, but no matter what, it takees time. i am curious about him tho. what shall we call him...have i already named him? let's call him "smarts" cuz he's a smarty pants.

so here's a fucking sick cool ill mutha fuckin thing...one of the dopest boutiques in the uni emailed me for my line sheets. here's how it went down, i got in on a fluke...i emailed the buyer cold, i found her name online and guessed the e-address, then i made it feel a tad like we've met before.."i'll be in town with new pieces" bla bla, and yet she's out of town, so her associate must of assumed i'm already in with her and asked for my line sheets to be sent to her directly. i don't know her position there, but it's an in. so yesterday, i didn't even have morning coffee until 5 pm. i went straight to kinkos and made color copies of everything and made a packet. the only problem is i wish i did it over this weekend and took the time to make it really nice. but there was this urgency inside just to hand it off. and i do think she's looking at it today. i could of made it more uniform, cuz my pages don't match, but it is all there. and i hand wrote buzz info on some pages which is either tacky or it shows the immediacy and the line. which could be good. i don't know man. i am sure they are used to such slick artistic stuff here. mine looks good, but i know it could be better. i keep improving tho. and i feel in a way like i only have one shot for them to know me, but then i also feel strongly about the universe, that if i put the positive focus out there on it, it will happen, i just don't control the when of it.

other than that, i haven't lined any other meetings up and i'll be busy on monday and gone on tuesday. so i'm thinking of extending my tix. if i can afford it!! i'll know monday if i can secure at least one mtg which will give me reason to stay. even just one is solid enough to change it. and the day that i left i had a rad buyer mtg with someone in los feliz and she did a pretty large order for a mid sized boutique. so i'm happy with that. i just have a lot of deadlines right now and i shouldn't be socializing away my time. and that trade show is coming up and i still haven't secured a spot. and my friend is saying lets just travel through till nov when he has to be in india for a hospital opening. damn that is fuckin appealing. but i have to think,,career or pleasure. taking care of...being taken care of.

lizard called again today i missed the call, i'm a bit sad that she's so homesick on this great trip. i want her to really have a rich, independent time.

my friend mentioned something about shopping in soho...q: will i let someone "sponsor" me some threads? i don't know. i'm just so arch indy and prideful and i don't like owing anyone ANYTHING. but hell, new threads i could not currently afford. not bad.

ps. i spoke with M's friend with whom i previously mingled with and i let him know about M and i and he bowed out. which i'm glad cuz he's a fuck. honestly his colors of totally noncommittment show thro. but our sexual chemistry was pretty fine. if you could combine the two i'd have the man i wnat to spend the rest of my days with. shit, i wonder if M thinks of combining me with someone, and if so, who the fuck. thats a thought that iches like ivy.

much love...ps v you r not missing too much with cmj, the thing is quite mellow this year, no real energetic momentum and it's a total dood fest. which is quite keen for me, but alas i have no wingwoman!! no game. just no game for me.

:*0