2004-10-12 - 10:55 p.m.

mutha fucka. i worked again till 5 in the am. finally nudged off to sleep by six a.m.

so not only am i going to nyc, he may be kidnapping me to go to london after!!!!

are you fuckin kidding me??

i've never been *that* girl. the girl that lets a guy swing them. i'm always so in control. no one can do anything for me.

i don't know man. i'm sure i can easily pull the trigger on it, but i just have this hang up on authenticity. i wouldn't do it unless i was into him. i couldn't just use him for a trip. and here's this, i really am into him, into his personality and his spirit and our enjoyment of eachother. but i'm afraid to be physical with him cuz i'm SPOILED by the hot young fuckers i'm always with. and he's 40ish, maybe even 45 i don't know. he's cute, in an incredibly stylist goofy friendly way. not in a sexy way, which is good cuz he's not at all slimmy or pushy. i'm not telling my family if i go cuz they would shit!!

and here's this...

i left ben (x in london) an email that i may be there and i hadn't heard back from his last email. and he called Two MINUTES later and said he never got the email and blablabla and he really wants me to come even tho i'm with someone else etc. what a riot. i'm not into it man. he's still not a grown up and my feelings have passed. i love him, but i'm certainly not in love with him. it's wierd cuz i still had had so much hope, but now it's completely passed.

everything else is good. i just need to catch up with myself and get some good outfits for nyc!!! i'm such an unprepared female. it's only been in the last two months that i've even learned about eye liner!

:*0